First Argument

This morning I sent him my first pissed off text message. Few hours later I was all calmed down and decided to apologize and explain why I did, what I did. I wrote him how he made me feel and told him that we can see each other in any atmosphere, as long as he doesn't invite me to an event because he needs to impress people for his job. One hour nineteen minutes later he send me a very political answer, turning up everything as if it was all in my mind and I made it up and he has no idea what i was talking about. I couldn't believe it, but I saw that there was no point in arguing with him, I would be just wasting my time. So, I said ok whatever let's move on. Actually, this argument helped me to de-attach myself from him. One more time he proved me he is not who I think or who I want him to be.

Ah how much I miss Keith in times like this. His answer to my message would be all honest and sweet, not political like CJ. Anyways, never miss an ex. This is my motto and I am sticking to it!

Nothing will ever be the same again...

Back to Square 1, CJ?

I wish he was really meaning the lyrics of the song that he sent to me as one of his favorite songs. I know probably he could not even think that sending the song might imply something to me. The lyrics are so perfect that it's exactly what I would want him to say.

I wish I could do better by you,
Cos that's what you deserve.
You sacrifice so much of your life,
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams,
Sailing around the world,
Please know that I'm yours to keep,
My beautiful girl.

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies,
Knowing that I may have been the cause,
If you were to leave, fulfill someone elses dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.

But you don't ask for no diamond rings,
No delicate string of pearls,
That's why I wrote this song to sing,
My beautiful girl

Although he's coming over for dinner to join me and my friends, and we agreed on drinking more of his wine and watching a movie (all was decided today!), I do not expect anything. I know that he'll not keep his promises. Besides, we have limited time, so probably nothing will happen. I will just enjoy his company and will enjoy the moment.

I say goodbye this time

Ok. So, the guy that I was looking forward to talking to on Thursday evening turned out to be a disappointment, but!...I met few others. Two Latinos, one Cuban guy, and one Spanish speaking blonde guy. I liked the blonde guy. Maybe because he had these crazy eyes; full of life and humor. It's a sign of brains I think. Before anything else a guy should have brains, then a caring kindness soul. I'm so getting him! *hehe* I already talked to one of the party hosts where I met Mr Espanol. She got my intentions and offered to arrange a double date. Cross your fingers everybody and say goodbye to CJ!

You say goodbye, I say hello, but that's it CJ!

Same Script, Different Cast, Same Ending...

When I think about everything clearly, I see how selfish and cold CJ is, and I start to hate him. He is not who I think he is. I wanted him to be someone else, and I kept looking for that person in him, but he is not that person. I was just fooling myself. I was wasting my time thinking he's shy and inexperienced. No, these are just excuses. Like T said he is just using people; talking to them when he wants to know something, or calling/texting them when he's bored. That's it! He better stays away from me. I don't want to see him or hang out with him again. I don't want his friendship. I have enough friends.

Waiting for My Sunny Day...

I deserve to be happy, don't I? I want to ask God, why? why? why don't you let me be happy? but I know it's not him. I know he can make whatever he wants come true, but it's me. I am like this because of my choices, but still he could help me a little by making things easier for me; taking away my pain. Not about CJ, but it would be great if I could get rid of my sadness and my fears in general. I think at least I deserve this. I know that he is not going to do anything. I need to fight and hang in there. The sun will rise again after darkness of the night...

I want to believe that there will be a day when I am happy and peaceful. There is this man who will love me, adore me, and will want to spend his life with me to get old with me. I believe that. It's like ray of light between clouds. There is hope. My life might be cloudy right now, but time will come for me to have my sunny day. I believe that.

What's going on?

Is that a coincidence or am a conspiracy theorist as always? I don't know, but if there is one thing that I know is that something is going on!

Few hours later writing those sentences I got new news about CJ. Now, I am thinking did I misinterpret everything? Was it all in my mind? Or is there something that I don't know, and I miss?

Another two hours passed. I am so hurt that I can't write...I don't know what to write, because I don't know what to think...

P.S I know this sounds so confusing to you, but I can't explain right now, but promise I'll....

How come the only way to know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall?

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right

CJ vs Mr Patriot

it's always so easy to talk to the Patriot guy. After struggling to keep the conversation going with CJ, it's so much fun talking to Mr Patriot. Except talking about politics! Although I need to keep the conversation going. When i don't talk for few minutes he says he has to do something or he needs to go sleep. However, when he says these things it's mostly midnight or later. He doesn't say he's going to shower, study, sleep and leave suddenly. So, he is not rude like CJ.

I'm so tired, I can't write any more. See you in another post. *lol* Bye...

Supreme boss with a baby angel sleeping face...

Maybe he's not ignoring me after all. I think he is just selfish. He talks and sees me when he has time, which is why he is single, because life doesn't revolve around him.

Anyways, I was surprised when he sent me a message on the messenger after ignoring my friend's text on Saturday about joining us. He could at least say that he can't come. Whatever. I think I felt comfortable chatting with him last night. It was a friendly talk and I was okay with that. Although I was surprised that he was comfortably joking. It's interesting seeing him letting his guard down which doesn't happen often, but i guess we are making a progress. He feels more comfortable around me.

I was not surprised when he asked my plans for the next day, because I was expecting it to come, but I was surprised when he joked about me being have to report to him about my daily plans. He didn't sound like my control freak ex, I think I found it cute, because he was self-confidently joking. He called himself the supreme boss. Supreme boss with a baby angel sleeping face...

Without having any expectations we'll see what will happen in the next and my last 15 weeks. I hope he knows that he's wasting valuable time having his guard up, being shy, insecure or what ever the heck he is doing.

CJ is doing me a favor...

When it took almost 5 hours for CJ to text me back yesterday, I thought I was exaggerating the idea that he is ignoring me. However, today I am sure that he is ignoring me. Although accepting this frustrates me, I must thank to him for doing what I couldn't do. This way it will be easier to put distance between us, and it will be easier for me to move on, or at least I hope so.

I don't even know why I fell for this guy. I guess it's because I am still single, but I don't want to be anymore. I can't find any other answers, because he is nothing like I am looking for. Maybe this is the attraction of opposite poles. I don't know...What ever it is, it is over, because he is ignoring me, and I already knew that I had to move on, now it should be easier for me to do that.

I will see someone I like on Thursday. I don't have any hopes, because I don't like to be disappointed, but I hope things go good.At least for once...

Loveliest Mistake

I wonder how long I can stay away from CJ. If he asks me right now whether I am going out or not, I would invite him without thinking. However, while dealing with so many problems and so many emotions in my life, the last thing I need is to have my hopes high and end up with a broken heart. So, I am trying hard to stay away from him, or at least this is what I am telling to myself.

However, if I can't help myself and if I see him, I'll talk to him. I will tell him that I don't want his friendship, but I believe he has only friendship in the store. So, I will not contact him again, or at least I will try not to. Maybe putting it all out may help. It might change things, or it might end things and so I can move on. This time for good!