Did we meet?

Today, I can't even think about him. My mind is so busy and so empty at the same time that I don't have any place for him. At the back of my mind I'm thinking about my family; my broken relationship with my father, and his illness. I try to figure out who is telling me the truth and who is lying me not to make me sad, or who is lying to make me sad!

Trying to think about him right now is like thinking someone you haven't met, yet. This is the exact feeling I have. It's such a surprise for my brain. It almost surprises my brain and asks me, who is CJ? My brain is so messed up right now. I can't concentrate, I cannot think about anything. I feel like I am lost in the black hole in the space. I never felt like this before. Such an annoying feeling! Knowing that something bad might be happening and you are freaking five thousand miles away and you might be losing the last moments that you could spend with him... I don't know what to say, what to feel, how to make things better between us. My mind keeps telling me "what if.."

What if he's really sick and he's dying? I think I can never forgive myself. I don't know if I can recover after such a thing. If I can, I know that I will be stronger and a better version of myself, but I'm afraid that this might not happen. Then, I'll be lost in the black hole after he's gone, but I don't have this luxury. I'll have to be stronger for every one. I'll have to be the "glue". I'll have to take the control and be the father of the family although I'm a girl.

I always used to make jokes about how I want to be a father, because fathers are respected and every member of the family tries to make him happy and comfortable, but I never thought I might have to have this role one day, and never thought this role might actually suck!

Life, you exhaust me!

What a mystery you are!

where does the line end for being a reserved person and where does the line start for not interested in someone? I don't know what to think about...

Right after I wrote this he started talking to me again. I guess his problem is just initiating the conversation. I do my best, but when all he says "I know" and "yeah" I really can't keep talking. He makes me feel like he's not interested in, but I'm forcing him to talk. I think the truth is he just doesn't know how to talk to a girl.

At least I made one thing clear that I'm not a party animal. I like going out with friends once a week, and maybe in the last two months I spent two weekends at home only, but it's because I don't have anyone to come home to, and I don't want to listen to myself and remember all the problems that are waiting for me to be fixed. When I told him that I just like going out once a week, and then relaxing at home, he said, yeah, I almost never go out anymore. I went out last night...I had one beer, but it was my friend's birthday. otherwise I would have stayed at home.

I also kind of figured out why he didn't join us last Saturday. It's because he mostly works on Fridays and Saturdays. So, it's not that he didn't want to see me. As he said he couldn't...

Damn, my friend make me feel confused. When I told her why CJ didn't join us last Saturday, she said then that's why he came the previous Friday, because he thought he could find a better, new employer. So, nothing is about me? I think my friend is just too suspicious and skeptical as always. However, lately she's going overboard I'm worried for her. Anyways what was I saying?

Oh by the way, he asked my plans for tonight. I wish he asked it to ask me out, but I know why he asked; just to make conversation as he would say. Maybe he's curious. I told my plans for tonight, tomorrow and Saturday which are booked a week before. I hate it when it's days in a row. It feels like a job where I need to write down "have fun" on my to do list. He also asked me if my friends are from school. One of them is, but the others aren't. I don't know if he was trying to make himself invite there or he was jealous kind of curious or he was again just making conversation. Who knows....

Do I ask for too much?

Friends keep my company while I go through this tough time, but you know what I really would like? I would like him to be there for me. I would want him to be the one who cares, worries and understands me. I want him to be the one to hug me say that everything will be ok, I'm here for you. I guess I ask for too much. I want to believe that somewhere in him there is this understanding, affectionate guy, but it's too early for me to see it I guess, but I don't have all the time in the world! Especially, right now. I need this person. I hope to find him in him soon...

are we there, yet?

I started this right after I came back from the camping, but then because of the unexpected sad news, I didn't feel like completing it, but hey I told you that I'll report you on camping. So, here it is...


Is this the ending of another story? Well, if it is, then this one was one of the shortest ones...

...He knows how to shock me, like the time he asked my age; unexpectedly with a sharp tone. Then the text messages he sent last night. I don't know if I am exaggerating or I am right, but do not want to accept the truth? I  do not care if he is reserved or shy or inexperienced.  A person should know how to text back without sounding mean and/or rude.

So, here is a scoop of what happened at the camping...

I couldn't stand camping. I mean it was so lame, and people were all grouped and there were idiots with laptops! For God sake! you go camping with your laptops?!? I can't live without internet, either, but please it was just for one night, people!

Anyways, we walked in and I am looking for him like crazy, because I know that he must have arrived before we walked in and I couldn't see him. I wouldn't surprise if he was hiding under the table at that moment. *hahaha* Then finally I spotted him, sitting at the table, having dinner with others. Me and my friends chose a bed and brought our stuff from the car. Of course I had a carry on luggage. You know when you are a girl, you can never pack enough, and you are allowed to over pack, because it's in your nature. *hahaha* Then we went to kitchen made ourselves a plate and still he didn't say hello or he didn't even look at my face. He kept looking at his plate like a little kid. You know if you don't look at anywhere else monsters cannot see you, because you don't see them first. Then I saw my friend and went to the boys bedroom while I still had my plate on my hand. By the way I do not care about entering the boys room, there was no one there except my friend and we are not teenagers that aren't allowed to go to each others rooms. While I was there I saw him looking at me. He was surprised and confused I think. He was trying to understand what was going on and what I was doing. Then finally I sat at the table next to my friend who drove us there and we started talking to girls sitting across us. Maybe ten minutes later he sat next to the guy that was sitting next to me. I know that was a funny way of describing,  just couldn't think of anything else.*hahaha* Then guess what happened? He didn't talk to me again, didn't even look at my face. I would say he doesn't like me, but it's so obvious when people do these kind of stuff just because they are nervous. I was trying to switch places with the guy next to me, but he was kind of slow. Then he left, and I went to sit next to my friend and I got one of his earplugs and started listening to the music he was listening to. Then I went to check out what he's doing. He was playing cards with a guy and pretended as if I wasn't there. Next, he was playing chess and when I sat next to him, all he said was that the place is cold. Thanks for the late heads up, buddy! So, I played indoor soccer and football with guys, sat at the boys room listened to music while my friend was working on his paper, and yes he also had his laptop with him... After dinner actually we decided to go back to the civilization, but we also didn't want to leave the place, not because it was kind of a long drive, but because we were there to have fun. So, we kept saying let's stay for another hour.
Then, our driver wanted to get something from the car and I was keeping the keys hostage just in case she or others might change their minds about going back. So, I said I'll give you the keys, but promise me we are going back. There he was all surprised listening to us. Ten minutes later or so I sat next to him while he was watching guys playing cards, I said we plan to go back and he said why as if I told him that I am crazy.

I can't clearly remember if it was before i told him that we are leaving or after, my friend came to sit with us, and she said OMG! he's so serious and asked CJ if he's bored, and I said no this is his happy face. We laughed a little, but I was joking and we had no bad intentions, but he didn't like it i think. He felt like I bullied him which is something against my nature, but I speak fluent sarcasm, so I can't help it, but say things like this. Guess what his reaction was? He walked away. Now, it was my turn to be shocked and upset. He walked away and starte talking to some other girl, which was a friendly talk I think, so I wasn't jealous. Besides, I can understand when someone is doing it on purpose, or doing it without thinking that can make the other be jealous, or when it's just a friendly talk. Fyi I'm not a jealous person at all, so everything was cool except that he walked away on me. Since we had still time I joined a bunch of people playing cards, and guess who won it? Me! I was cheering and yay-ing and saying that I'm the queen of this game-I was just being narcissist I know, but aren't we, all girls a little bit narcissistic at times?-he stopped talking, turned and looked at me all surprised just liked he did few minutes before that when I was on the phone. Then again he was looking at me the time when we went out with a group of friends last week. This time, I couldn't keep looking into his eyes as he was looking into me. There is something sweet about the way he looks. It's not staring or it's not eying you from head to toe, it's as if he's looking into my soul. You might think that I am exaggerating, and maybe I am, but I never felt so comfortable when a guy looked at me. There is something different the way he looks...

Then the leaving time came, and I said goodbye to my friends, to the guy I played football with-oh did I tell you that he asked me if one of my friends I came with is my boyfriend? *lol-then it was time to say goodbye to CJ, he turned looked at me when I said I'm going, and he said a cold-as loud as mice could hear-goodbye and I was sad, and upset, and didn't know what to think and left.

Although we sad we were going downtown my friends were tired and my other friend whom I was going to pick up on my way to down to fall asleep. So, I was already tired because going back and forth the same way and playing sports I went to bed.

It was seven in the morning when I got the unexpected, sad news. I don't know how I spent the day and at night I felt like I was suffocating so I called my friend went to a bar/club/lounge whatever you call it. I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know how to handle the news so I cried in a lounge first time in my life!

I wanted to invite him to where I and my friend was, but we decided that I should wait for him to contact me, since he was cold and distant to me at the camping. Then my friend wanted to cheer me up and she said call and invite him. I was happy like a kid whose mother let her eat chocolate before dinner. *lol* I texted him and the answer I got was fascinating!
CJ: Thanks, but I can't tonight. I will have to meet you some other night.
Maybe he was trying to be nice, but because I was already upset I flipped out when I saw "have to" in his answer. So, with all my answer I said
"u don't have to if u don't want to. Don't feel like u have to see me..."
CJ: I do want to, but I can't right now. I don't feel obligated t see you, but I do like drinking and I would not mind drinking with you. I just can't today.
He was making me more and more angry every second and I said "ok since you don't mind we can drink with you some other time, my friend."

Then I said screw you and went another place where our friends were and tried enjoying the night as much as I could.

The very next night I saw him online, but I didn't talk to him and kept my status offline, because I wanted him to feel sorry about whole texting incident. I am sure he was cursing himself. Maybe he was drunk or tipsy he was, too. One more time I remembered not to text while intoxicated! Texting and drinking is as dangerous as texting and driving! *lol*

I saw him online on fb last night for like five or ten minutes, but he didn't talk to me. I felt really bad, and kept telling myself that maybe he didn't see me. Then today I was checking if he was online and he was, then he was away and then while I was writing one of my previous posts I heard a pop sound! it was CJ so we IMed on fb a little bit!

Maybe the ending of this story won't be so bad. Who knows...Let's wait and see ;)

Greetings from Cloud 9...

I'm so happy because he talked to me on fb chat. Lalalalalalala....You might think it's something small, and not so important, but after I messed things up I wasn't sure if he was ever going to talk to me. He started first, but when all he needed was encouragement I almost discouraged him and cut him short, but I see that everything is ok. I even kept Rose's advice and showed interest in his hobbies and asked him to teach me how to play chess.
Ok, I always wanted to learn how to play it and learned the rules ten years ago, but I was not a fan of the game. Now? Well, I'll have to learn, but at least I have a good looking, nice instructor who likes me *hehe* ;)

A Dark Cloudy Saturday Morning...

I know I said I'll report back on Sunday, but things didn't go as I hoped it to be. First of all, we didn't stay at the camping place and came back the same night. Then, at 7 am sharp I got a text message from my mother saying that my dad is sick and she wanted me to make peace with my father and tell him that I love him. I took it really hard, because I felt like my mom asked for me to say goodbye to him. Although I don't remember how the weather was that day, I'll remember it as a dark cloudy day in my life.

I have my two nice smelling Zen candles out, favorite relaxing music playing in the background having breakfast and trying not to think about the worst case scenario.

A friend asked me if I am sorry because he might die, or because he might leave me behind. I think it's both. I don't know which one weighs more than the other. I'm scared of losing him, and being alone and being the man of the house although I'm a girl.

So, since I am worried for so many things, I messed up things with CJ. I think all he needed was some encouragement for a green light and all he got was a yellow light, which must make him confuse more.

I'll talk about the camp details later, but it was so funny seeing him trying to figure me out. Am I a dress-up Barbie with a diva attitude, or a tom-boy who plays sports and don't mind getting hurt or getting dirty? All he knows I am intimidating him more and more every time, but I swear I don't do it on purpose! I'm just being me! I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one just like it says in the song... (I'm not fan of the video, try listening the song only .. :))

Γιώργος Ρους - Εξαιρέσεις

I think it's because I am close to Greek culture, I love anything Greek including my closest friend. So, this is one my favorite Greek songs. It's such an interesting song, it makes me happy when I am sad, and calms me down when I am upset.
The lyrics say... I do not believe in this word that I live alone. There are no rules, but exceptions.
It tells a little about me, maybe that's why I like it.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I do...

Yay!

I'm going camping with him. La la la la laaa :)

Report back to you on Sunday ;)

Damn it!

OMG he was this close asking me out! I know it, but because he is socially awkward! he turned it into such a way that i will be asking him out. What is wrong with guys in this city? They don't know how to flirt, how to date. The ones with girlfriends are either lucky, or their girlfriends are just like them; dating retards!

Anyways I do not give up easily! I believe he is a nice guy so I will push his limit a little until he's mine. Oh my God I sound so creepy. Hehe

Now it's studying time unfortunately. :(

OMG!

Ok he likes me for sure! like sure sure :) I kept being online and offline on fb to be able to see him and there he was! he was online so i kept waiting. after 10 mins-maybe it was only 5mins but felt like 10 or more-he said hi. He said Hi! It is imported that he said Hi first which shows he wanted to talk to me. We talked for half an hour with difficulties thanks to fb. No, I am not being sarcastic. Ok, maybe a little, but this way I got his messenger. I am too smart for my own kind. haha We talked for another half an hour and said he was going to sleep. I was sad, but I have papers to write so it's good that he went to sleeping or went back to whatever he was doing AND I will see him tomorrow. He said come to the meeting tomorrow which I was already planning, to see him and now I know that he wants to see me. He might just trying to be nice but I don't think it's the case. Oh by the way he doesn't have a girlfriend, because I asked and said I can't say that I am sorry. Hehe

I'll have a good night sleep tonight...for sure...