October 31, 2010

There might be another chance in the store for us

Ok. So, he contacted me! However, I don't know what to think about his IMs. It was as if he didn't care, but then why did he talk to me? Maybe, because he thinks I was an easy prey and he didn't take advantage of me first time to gain my trust. Now, he thinks he would not let his prey slide between his claws. If we think about any men this case would be true, but when I think about CJ...No, he is not that type of a person. I know it! You might think that I'm naive, but I know it, because I feel it. He's different. He's a rare kind that I'd never met maybe. He doesn't know how to flirt, or he doesn't have fancy pick up lines, but he's different. He's good. He's nice. He's kind. He cares.

I don't know why he talked to me after being online for several hours. Maybe, because he was studying like he said and didn't want to distract himself, and talked to me when he gave a break, like a woman who gives herself a piece of chocolate as the prize of dieting for one full week. *haha* I would be one sweet prize.

I asked if his roommate's girlfriend thinks I'm crazy. Actually, what I wanted to know what he was thinking. He said, no I don't think so. However, I know that he will keep bringing up that night every time he gets a chance to tease me, and he will hurt me every time without realizing how much he's hurting me...

October 30, 2010

Queen of messing things up...

I don't know where to start...

Have you ever had a day/night where you want to forget it because you just can't believe what you did, but at the same time you don't want to forget it, because it was kind of beautiful. Well, i had that night and day.

First, I was upset that for the second time CJ didn't want to go out with me and my friends. Then, I broke my own rule and texted him while intoxicated. I'm glad he came, but I don't why he came. Was it because he wanted to have drinks, or to see me, or because I said I was drunk and he felt responsible?

Long story short, I slept in his bed and he slept on the sofa in the living room. I knew that he was not going to take advantage of me, because he's not that kind of a guy, but you can never know someone really, right?

It was so sweet of him that he gave me a spare toothbrush and the look on his face when I saw him in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth was to die for. It was the CJ that I liked. It was "the look".

The next morning after a sleep of 5 hours I woke up at 8 and tried to leave while he was sleeping. There was no point of staying there and I was going to text him saying thank you for everything, but of course the door was locked and he woke up when I tried to unlock it. His reaction was hilarious! He said, "what are you doing? Where are you going? Why? I can't believe you tried to sneak out on me!" I was surprised that he reacted that way and it was nice to see him not wanting me to leave. He said sleep for another hour and I'll drive you to your car. I didn't feel like sleeping, because I felt uncomfortable, it's so not like me. I never crashed in a friend's house, let alone a guy's place. So, I sat there watched him sleeping. He was so cute. When he finally woke up two hours later he almost refused to let me go. When I decided to walk where ever I parked he got changed and walked me to my car, or to where I thought my car was.

We stopped by the farmers market and looked around then walked to where I thought my car was. Another long story short I figured out my car was some place else so we went back to his street and he drove me where my car was really parked. He looked kind of sad when I said goodbye. I don't know maybe I'm exaggerating. We said I see you later to each other, I gave him a half hug and I left.

Although I'm afraid that I gave him the wrong impression of me. I think, he thinks I'm a party fly. Lately, I go out with friends and I like to drink, but I'm not like this all the time. I'm just acting out because of all the drama, pressure in my life. This was a wake up call for me. Like Rose says, I learn it in the first time, and never do the same mistake again!

October 29, 2010

Did we meet?

Today, I can't even think about him. My mind is so busy and so empty at the same time that I don't have any place for him. At the back of my mind I'm thinking about my family; my broken relationship with my father, and his illness. I try to figure out who is telling me the truth and who is lying me not to make me sad, or who is lying to make me sad!

Trying to think about him right now is like thinking someone you haven't met, yet. This is the exact feeling I have. It's such a surprise for my brain. It almost surprises my brain and asks me, who is CJ? My brain is so messed up right now. I can't concentrate, I cannot think about anything. I feel like I am lost in the black hole in the space. I never felt like this before. Such an annoying feeling! Knowing that something bad might be happening and you are freaking five thousand miles away and you might be losing the last moments that you could spend with him... I don't know what to say, what to feel, how to make things better between us. My mind keeps telling me "what if.."

What if he's really sick and he's dying? I think I can never forgive myself. I don't know if I can recover after such a thing. If I can, I know that I will be stronger and a better version of myself, but I'm afraid that this might not happen. Then, I'll be lost in the black hole after he's gone, but I don't have this luxury. I'll have to be stronger for every one. I'll have to be the "glue". I'll have to take the control and be the father of the family although I'm a girl.

I always used to make jokes about how I want to be a father, because fathers are respected and every member of the family tries to make him happy and comfortable, but I never thought I might have to have this role one day, and never thought this role might actually suck!

Life, you exhaust me!

What a mystery you are!

where does the line end for being a reserved person and where does the line start for not interested in someone? I don't know what to think about...

Right after I wrote this he started talking to me again. I guess his problem is just initiating the conversation. I do my best, but when all he says "I know" and "yeah" I really can't keep talking. He makes me feel like he's not interested in, but I'm forcing him to talk. I think the truth is he just doesn't know how to talk to a girl.

At least I made one thing clear that I'm not a party animal. I like going out with friends once a week, and maybe in the last two months I spent two weekends at home only, but it's because I don't have anyone to come home to, and I don't want to listen to myself and remember all the problems that are waiting for me to be fixed. When I told him that I just like going out once a week, and then relaxing at home, he said, yeah, I almost never go out anymore. I went out last night...I had one beer, but it was my friend's birthday. otherwise I would have stayed at home.

I also kind of figured out why he didn't join us last Saturday. It's because he mostly works on Fridays and Saturdays. So, it's not that he didn't want to see me. As he said he couldn't...

Damn, my friend make me feel confused. When I told her why CJ didn't join us last Saturday, she said then that's why he came the previous Friday, because he thought he could find a better, new employer. So, nothing is about me? I think my friend is just too suspicious and skeptical as always. However, lately she's going overboard I'm worried for her. Anyways what was I saying?

Oh by the way, he asked my plans for tonight. I wish he asked it to ask me out, but I know why he asked; just to make conversation as he would say. Maybe he's curious. I told my plans for tonight, tomorrow and Saturday which are booked a week before. I hate it when it's days in a row. It feels like a job where I need to write down "have fun" on my to do list. He also asked me if my friends are from school. One of them is, but the others aren't. I don't know if he was trying to make himself invite there or he was jealous kind of curious or he was again just making conversation. Who knows....

October 28, 2010

Do I ask for too much?

Friends keep my company while I go through this tough time, but you know what I really would like? I would like him to be there for me. I would want him to be the one who cares, worries and understands me. I want him to be the one to hug me say that everything will be ok, I'm here for you. I guess I ask for too much. I want to believe that somewhere in him there is this understanding, affectionate guy, but it's too early for me to see it I guess, but I don't have all the time in the world! Especially, right now. I need this person. I hope to find him in him soon...

October 26, 2010

are we there, yet?

I started this right after I came back from the camping, but then because of the unexpected sad news, I didn't feel like completing it, but hey I told you that I'll report you on camping. So, here it is...

Is this the ending of another story? Well, if it is, then this one was one of the shortest ones...

...He knows how to shock me, like the time he asked my age; unexpectedly with a sharp tone. Then the text messages he sent last night. I don't know if I am exaggerating or I am right, but do not want to accept the truth? I  do not care if he is reserved or shy or inexperienced.  A person should know how to text back without sounding mean and/or rude.

So, here is a scoop of what happened at the camping...

I couldn't stand camping. I mean it was so lame, and people were all grouped and there were idiots with laptops! For God sake! you go camping with your laptops?!? I can't live without internet, either, but please it was just for one night, people!

Anyways, we walked in and I am looking for him like crazy, because I know that he must have arrived before we walked in and I couldn't see him. I wouldn't surprise if he was hiding under the table at that moment. *hahaha* Then finally I spotted him, sitting at the table, having dinner with others. Me and my friends chose a bed and brought our stuff from the car. Of course I had a carry on luggage. You know when you are a girl, you can never pack enough, and you are allowed to over pack, because it's in your nature. *hahaha* Then we went to kitchen made ourselves a plate and still he didn't say hello or he didn't even look at my face. He kept looking at his plate like a little kid. You know if you don't look at anywhere else monsters cannot see you, because you don't see them first. Then I saw my friend and went to the boys bedroom while I still had my plate on my hand. By the way I do not care about entering the boys room, there was no one there except my friend and we are not teenagers that aren't allowed to go to each others rooms. While I was there I saw him looking at me. He was surprised and confused I think. He was trying to understand what was going on and what I was doing. Then finally I sat at the table next to my friend who drove us there and we started talking to girls sitting across us. Maybe ten minutes later he sat next to the guy that was sitting next to me. I know that was a funny way of describing,  just couldn't think of anything else.*hahaha* Then guess what happened? He didn't talk to me again, didn't even look at my face. I would say he doesn't like me, but it's so obvious when people do these kind of stuff just because they are nervous. I was trying to switch places with the guy next to me, but he was kind of slow. Then he left, and I went to sit next to my friend and I got one of his earplugs and started listening to the music he was listening to. Then I went to check out what he's doing. He was playing cards with a guy and pretended as if I wasn't there. Next, he was playing chess and when I sat next to him, all he said was that the place is cold. Thanks for the late heads up, buddy! So, I played indoor soccer and football with guys, sat at the boys room listened to music while my friend was working on his paper, and yes he also had his laptop with him... After dinner actually we decided to go back to the civilization, but we also didn't want to leave the place, not because it was kind of a long drive, but because we were there to have fun. So, we kept saying let's stay for another hour.
Then, our driver wanted to get something from the car and I was keeping the keys hostage just in case she or others might change their minds about going back. So, I said I'll give you the keys, but promise me we are going back. There he was all surprised listening to us. Ten minutes later or so I sat next to him while he was watching guys playing cards, I said we plan to go back and he said why as if I told him that I am crazy.

I can't clearly remember if it was before i told him that we are leaving or after, my friend came to sit with us, and she said OMG! he's so serious and asked CJ if he's bored, and I said no this is his happy face. We laughed a little, but I was joking and we had no bad intentions, but he didn't like it i think. He felt like I bullied him which is something against my nature, but I speak fluent sarcasm, so I can't help it, but say things like this. Guess what his reaction was? He walked away. Now, it was my turn to be shocked and upset. He walked away and starte talking to some other girl, which was a friendly talk I think, so I wasn't jealous. Besides, I can understand when someone is doing it on purpose, or doing it without thinking that can make the other be jealous, or when it's just a friendly talk. Fyi I'm not a jealous person at all, so everything was cool except that he walked away on me. Since we had still time I joined a bunch of people playing cards, and guess who won it? Me! I was cheering and yay-ing and saying that I'm the queen of this game-I was just being narcissist I know, but aren't we, all girls a little bit narcissistic at times?-he stopped talking, turned and looked at me all surprised just liked he did few minutes before that when I was on the phone. Then again he was looking at me the time when we went out with a group of friends last week. This time, I couldn't keep looking into his eyes as he was looking into me. There is something sweet about the way he looks. It's not staring or it's not eying you from head to toe, it's as if he's looking into my soul. You might think that I am exaggerating, and maybe I am, but I never felt so comfortable when a guy looked at me. There is something different the way he looks...

Then the leaving time came, and I said goodbye to my friends, to the guy I played football with-oh did I tell you that he asked me if one of my friends I came with is my boyfriend? *lol-then it was time to say goodbye to CJ, he turned looked at me when I said I'm going, and he said a cold-as loud as mice could hear-goodbye and I was sad, and upset, and didn't know what to think and left.

Although we sad we were going downtown my friends were tired and my other friend whom I was going to pick up on my way to down to fall asleep. So, I was already tired because going back and forth the same way and playing sports I went to bed.

It was seven in the morning when I got the unexpected, sad news. I don't know how I spent the day and at night I felt like I was suffocating so I called my friend went to a bar/club/lounge whatever you call it. I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know how to handle the news so I cried in a lounge first time in my life!

I wanted to invite him to where I and my friend was, but we decided that I should wait for him to contact me, since he was cold and distant to me at the camping. Then my friend wanted to cheer me up and she said call and invite him. I was happy like a kid whose mother let her eat chocolate before dinner. *lol* I texted him and the answer I got was fascinating!
CJ: Thanks, but I can't tonight. I will have to meet you some other night.
Maybe he was trying to be nice, but because I was already upset I flipped out when I saw "have to" in his answer. So, with all my answer I said
"u don't have to if u don't want to. Don't feel like u have to see me..."
CJ: I do want to, but I can't right now. I don't feel obligated t see you, but I do like drinking and I would not mind drinking with you. I just can't today.
He was making me more and more angry every second and I said "ok since you don't mind we can drink with you some other time, my friend."

Then I said screw you and went another place where our friends were and tried enjoying the night as much as I could.

The very next night I saw him online, but I didn't talk to him and kept my status offline, because I wanted him to feel sorry about whole texting incident. I am sure he was cursing himself. Maybe he was drunk or tipsy he was, too. One more time I remembered not to text while intoxicated! Texting and drinking is as dangerous as texting and driving! *lol*

I saw him online on fb last night for like five or ten minutes, but he didn't talk to me. I felt really bad, and kept telling myself that maybe he didn't see me. Then today I was checking if he was online and he was, then he was away and then while I was writing one of my previous posts I heard a pop sound! it was CJ so we IMed on fb a little bit!

Maybe the ending of this story won't be so bad. Who knows...Let's wait and see ;)

Greetings from Cloud 9...

I'm so happy because he talked to me on fb chat. Lalalalalalala....You might think it's something small, and not so important, but after I messed things up I wasn't sure if he was ever going to talk to me. He started first, but when all he needed was encouragement I almost discouraged him and cut him short, but I see that everything is ok. I even kept Rose's advice and showed interest in his hobbies and asked him to teach me how to play chess.
Ok, I always wanted to learn how to play it and learned the rules ten years ago, but I was not a fan of the game. Now? Well, I'll have to learn, but at least I have a good looking, nice instructor who likes me *hehe* ;)

A Dark Cloudy Saturday Morning...

I know I said I'll report back on Sunday, but things didn't go as I hoped it to be. First of all, we didn't stay at the camping place and came back the same night. Then, at 7 am sharp I got a text message from my mother saying that my dad is sick and she wanted me to make peace with my father and tell him that I love him. I took it really hard, because I felt like my mom asked for me to say goodbye to him. Although I don't remember how the weather was that day, I'll remember it as a dark cloudy day in my life.

I have my two nice smelling Zen candles out, favorite relaxing music playing in the background having breakfast and trying not to think about the worst case scenario.

A friend asked me if I am sorry because he might die, or because he might leave me behind. I think it's both. I don't know which one weighs more than the other. I'm scared of losing him, and being alone and being the man of the house although I'm a girl.

So, since I am worried for so many things, I messed up things with CJ. I think all he needed was some encouragement for a green light and all he got was a yellow light, which must make him confuse more.

I'll talk about the camp details later, but it was so funny seeing him trying to figure me out. Am I a dress-up Barbie with a diva attitude, or a tom-boy who plays sports and don't mind getting hurt or getting dirty? All he knows I am intimidating him more and more every time, but I swear I don't do it on purpose! I'm just being me! I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one just like it says in the song... (I'm not fan of the video, try listening the song only .. :))

Γιώργος Ρους - Εξαιρέσεις

I think it's because I am close to Greek culture, I love anything Greek including my closest friend. So, this is one my favorite Greek songs. It's such an interesting song, it makes me happy when I am sad, and calms me down when I am upset.
The lyrics say... I do not believe in this word that I live alone. There are no rules, but exceptions.
It tells a little about me, maybe that's why I like it.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I do...

October 22, 2010


I'm going camping with him. La la la la laaa :)

Report back to you on Sunday ;)

October 20, 2010

Damn it!

OMG he was this close asking me out! I know it, but because he is socially awkward! he turned it into such a way that i will be asking him out. What is wrong with guys in this city? They don't know how to flirt, how to date. The ones with girlfriends are either lucky, or their girlfriends are just like them; dating retards!

Anyways I do not give up easily! I believe he is a nice guy so I will push his limit a little until he's mine. Oh my God I sound so creepy. Hehe

Now it's studying time unfortunately. :(

October 19, 2010


Ok he likes me for sure! like sure sure :) I kept being online and offline on fb to be able to see him and there he was! he was online so i kept waiting. after 10 mins-maybe it was only 5mins but felt like 10 or more-he said hi. He said Hi! It is imported that he said Hi first which shows he wanted to talk to me. We talked for half an hour with difficulties thanks to fb. No, I am not being sarcastic. Ok, maybe a little, but this way I got his messenger. I am too smart for my own kind. haha We talked for another half an hour and said he was going to sleep. I was sad, but I have papers to write so it's good that he went to sleeping or went back to whatever he was doing AND I will see him tomorrow. He said come to the meeting tomorrow which I was already planning, to see him and now I know that he wants to see me. He might just trying to be nice but I don't think it's the case. Oh by the way he doesn't have a girlfriend, because I asked and said I can't say that I am sorry. Hehe

I'll have a good night sleep tonight...for sure...

Frog List

I still want to talk about CJ and probably I can talk about all day and night about him. That is so funny. I had never been like this. Normally, I don't fall for a guy. I try to think like a black widow, because I know that he will hurt me eventually. So, I try not to get attached. I like feeling loved and I don't stand like a cold statue next to a guy, but like I said I don't get attached. So, when the long story short ends I don't feel devastated. Generally, I shock, try to understand, talk about it, sleep in for few days and I move on. Friends, especially guys around me cannot understand, and they think I move on too fast, but I was so slow and so devastated for a long time ago. Been there, done that. So, now, if things don't work out I walk away and don't look back, because it doesn't worth it. Now, I feel happy over such a little thing, but I am not scared. I don't think he will hurt me. Maybe, he is a little cold or distant, but this might be how he looks to others. You can't know someone unless you spend one on one time with them. Probably I will see him tomorrow. If I can't, I'll see him on Friday and Saturday for sure.

Let's talk about the frogs I dated since last September...

I dated with eight guys since September 09. The longest one was one month and the shortest one was one coffee date long *lol* I couldn't stand to him.

In September, at a friend's b-day I met this guy. Two weeks later we met again, same group of people for brunch. I realized how he was looking to me. I liked me. I, personally have a tendency to like people who like me. It is something wrong and I am trying to chance this habit, but at that moment I didn't care. After a long time, I felt healed and ready to move on and here I met him. So, I said why not. He is a geek by the way. One of these smart, but not so hot looking guys, but I was able to keep up with him. He liked that I have the brain and the sense of humor at the same time, and I am pretty. Long story short nothing happened between us. Even though I pushed him, because he's socially awkward he ran away from me and when I moved on to the next guy he was devastated, but it was too late. So, from September till March I wasted my time with him.

In March, I started talking/texting/flirting an old classmate. It turned out that he was looking for a rebound and I refused to be his rebound girl/Plan B. I wasted two weeks with him. However, I have to confess that it was good to know that there is someone texting you good morning and asking you how you are when he was bored at work, but he had one thing in mind which is something not in my priority list. I am looking for love, relationship, growing old together, not lust or one night excitement.

Then, my first online date, Mr Mama's Boy! We emailed for a week and texted for one and a half week until we met in person. He changed the time of the meeting because his mother was crying over something stupid. I wanted to be the understanding girlfriend, so I didn't say anything. We had a coffee date that lasted for two hours. We laughed and had fun, but he was not what I was looking for and he knew it. I think he felt insecure; he is from a blue collar family, and I am from a white collar family, so he thought I am too spoiled. So, Mr Mama's Boy who claimed to be one of the last good guys on earth broke up with me without being able to have the break up talk. I would expect him to be man enough to say it, but hey he's not a man, he is a boy, a mama's boy! So, I wasted a month with him.

Coming Soon!

Insecurities kick in...

It's been quite a while since I was so worried and felt unsecured. It happens when I and the guy I like have mutual friends. Maybe it's weird and I know I should not feel the way I feel. If he liked me, he liked me the way I am or he should like me the way I am. I shouldn't change for anyone, but for myself. I can't change I know, and If I force myself to change, sooner or later I will go back to my original self and would waste the time feeling weird, because of trying to be someone else, but myself. Why do I not change for myself? Because I'm lazy *lol* there, I said it, but maybe he can help me to change. He can make me a better person. When I am in a relationship I feel that I am a better person. I don't do reckless, dangerous things and do not live on the edge. You know, he can help me to live healthier. I know that he ran in few "5K Run"s and he does Yoga which is something I want to do for quite a long time. So...I don't know he can be my cure. Or am I just getting too happy too soon?

Saturday was the second time seeing him. The first time was in May. I was struck by how handsome, nice, clean he was looking. Maybe that's a funny way to describe, but this is exactly how he was. He had this good guy look on his face, without looking too childish and handsome, but not arrogant, and well-educated guy look. I liked everything about him as far as I saw, but I have doubts that he's not masculine enough as much as I want my perfect guy to be, but hey, nobody is perfect, right? I also think we are different; our music taste, life style, and he doesn't like cats. Is it a deal breaker? It can be, I am an animal lover, but there is no need to think about it right now.

What was I saying? When I first saw him in May, we were at a formal school lunch meeting sitting at the same table. He was one of the people in charge! I was talking to my friend about the guy I was seeing and was telling her that "I am tired. I just want a good guy. No games, no lies, nothing. Is it that difficult? I start to believe that there are no good guys around. If there are I can't see them, seriously!" and he was listening to us I knew. (So cute! isn't it) I knew that he was listening and I thought he was so cute, sweet, handsome, decent, whatever you say, but of course there was no way to turn to him and say hey you look nice would you date me? hahaha I'm sure everybody at the table would shock and die at that moment. So, unfortunately, I had to let him go. Besides, I wasn't looking my best, because I didn't care about the lunch/meeting and I was feeling ashamed for not being so unpolished next to such a good looking guy. Then I added him on fb. I hoped that he would talk. He could say something about that day, lunch, anything. Then I thought maybe he didn't remember me, maybe he doesn't care.

I don't know about you, but it happens to me when you like someone he doesn't feel the same way, because you are not good enough for him. Everybody around you tells you how pretty, how nice, how good you are, but you are never good enough for those drop dead gorgeous guys. Well, most of them don't have the brains, but even the rare ones with brain do not look at you. Wow, I had no idea it would make me feel so naked to write this. I don't know if I can be able to share this. We'll see...

So, I almost forgot about CJ until this past Saturday. My friend wanted me to invite our other friends to this event. Since, I am the Miss Event Organizer, it was my duty to message people. So, I messaged most of the people on my fb account. I was not sure about inviting him, because basically I do not know him and I thought it would be weird, but then I thought not inviting him would be more weird since we have 8 friends in common and I was inviting them all. So, I invited him, too, but didn't get any return messages and I didn't care  who comes and doesn't. Then when we entered the bar with one of the girls I invited and she said I told CJ to come. I was trying to be cool, but my heart tried to jump out of  my chest *lol* Right after she finished her sentence I saw him. He was sitting at the bar. I thought my friend was going to walk pass him without saying Hi to him. So, I said "oh look he's here." So, we said hi to him and started taking. He didn't know the name of the girl who reminded him to come to the event. Isn't it hilarious? I thought, so did he come to see me? or he was just bored and had nothing better to do on a Saturday night, but considering the way he kept looking me all night he might come to see me. *smiling ear to ear*

Then, he came to downtown with us but left us at the door of the club. I cannot forget his face. It was so cute. I wanted to hold his face inside my hands. There was sorrow in his eyes or he was bored, or this is how he is, but it was different. As if he wanted to say something, wanted to stay to spend time with me, but he didn't want to be there and he didn't want to leave either. You may think that it's all in my mind. Maybe you are right, but I am just telling what I saw, or what I thought it was... Thank God! I had his number. Imagine! I managed to get his number and gave mine using the excuse that we might lose each other while driving to downtown. My friend said CJ is not coming in because the place is packed and he doesn't feel like dealing with such a crowd right now. So, I texted him and he apologized for leaving saying we can drink some other time again. Maybe he was just being polite, but polite people would not look into your eyes as if they try to see your soul, and they do not look as if they are trying to memorize every inch of your face.  I don't know only time will tell I guess, but from the way he looks I can tell that he's interested in, but I don't even know if he has a girlfriend. He kept texting to someone all night. Probably you are thinking that I'm stupid for making something from such a small thing like staring, but I hope it to be real. I hope to run into him on Wednesday and we'll see what happens. If things go good I might see him again on Saturday. Then I have one other plan to see him. Wish me luck! :)

October 18, 2010

How many baskets should I have?

If you read any of those dating advice books lately, they tell you not to stick to one man and hope him to be the one. Instead, they tell you to spread your eggs into different baskets. So...that's what I am doing. At first, this sounded crazy to me and I said "I am no slut, I can't see more than one guy at a time." However, if you think about it, that's what most men are doing. They call one girl, see the other, wink at another and sleep with some other. So, what I am doing is nothing like that, but I don't want to give all my energy to one man, and watch him turning out to be the biggest disappointment of my life. Instead I text, email and have coffee dates with several guys. None of them are what I am looking for so mostly I never see them again after one coffee date. So far, since September 09, I dated a geek, a jerk, a mama's boy, an insecure geek guy, a pervert, a bisexual drag queen, an obese guy with no manners, and I IMed a pervert, and a non-American American patriot. Then there is CJ! (this is where you hear "ohh hallelujah" song *lol*)

CJ must have his own quirks, but I am sure he doesn't have most of the disgusting things these guys had. He was kind of rude when he asked my age suddenly (didn't your mama teach you not to ask a lady her age, CJ? *lol) Long story short, he is better than most of the guys I talked/chatted/texted/met. However, I am not sure if he is the guy I am looking for. Who am I looking for? Well, that's a long story so let me tell this in another post.

Since, I am not sure I have found the one, yet, I keep looking for. So, as all those dating/advice books tell me to do, I put my eggs in different baskets and I pray that I don't mess it up one day *lol*. Currently I still IM to Canadian guy, and making plans to see CJ again and think about emailing the 33 year-old guy who winked at me on *****.com. Like my friends you might also ask what are you doing with such an older guy. Am I into old guys? No way in hell. I chose 30 -/+2 as a limit because I don't like childish guys, I prefer them to be more mature. Besides, this guy looks good and doesn't show his age which is a plus. So, I winked back at him and no response! I swear these men are stupid. I think this is why they are alone, because they don't know how to flirt. I am a lady, so be a gentleman and initiate the conversation, buddy! Guys in my hometown are so good at this. They are so confident, but they are not for me, because they are looking for girls with a model's body, and brain of a monkey. So, I don't fit in their dream girl picture. Anyways, I am happy here. I feel more confident and they say American life style cause people to stress and feel insecure about their bodies. Not me!

Even though, I have the picture of CJ looking into my eyes while talking, as if there is no one else around us, I am in search of the One. Maybe, the One is right here, in front of me, but I want to keep looking around. So, if I cannot find him, I will be able to say that "hey, I tried, I looked for him, but couldn't find him. Maybe there is no the One for me." So, that's why I keep talking to these rotten eggs and I put them in different baskets. Let's just pray that I don't confuse who's who *lol* but I know one thing for sure I cannot confuse CJ with anyone else...

Is he the One?

I try to remember and not to forget the way he looked at me. Ahhh it's been so long since somebody looked at my eyes to see my soul. Wait a second! Did anybody looked at me the way he looked? I don't know... Once a geek guy, and a bisexual drag queen guy stared into my eyes, but it was uncomfortable not like the way CJ did on Saturday night. It felt so right. I didn't feel the need to look somewhere else. I didn't feel uncomfortable and laughed saying "What?!? Why are you staring at me? Stop it!" Yes, guys looked at me before, but never made me feel the way CJ did. I still smile when I think about that night and how he was looking at me, but trying not to stare. He was observing; as if he was trying to memorize my face while I am not looking at him, and trying to see my soul when he looked into my eyes. He was so sweet. I liked how he was asking questions about where my favorite place is in the country. It was especially so sweet when he was trying to show me that he knows stuff about my hometown. I'm also impressed that he doesn't like gambling. It's so difficult to find a man in this city who doesn't gamble. *Smh* He is such a normal, peaceful, down-to-earth, almost reserved, nice guy. Of course I might be wrong, but... I'm rarely wrong about people. I'm such a good judge of character. That's why my love life sucks. Haha

You might think that I'm still too young (I'm 24) and I have a whole life ahead of me, but I see friends finding what they believe is true love, getting engaged, getting married, planning a life together and this makes me piss off. I get angry when I see a couple in love kissing. I guess for the first time in my life I'm jealous of someone, people that I don't even know. However, I'm not jealous about my friends' relationship, because I know that they have difficulties, problems, but strangers...they just look too happy, and when I don't even have anyone in my life, I can't stand seeing them so happily in love. *Lol* I know it's wrong, but can't help it.

Anyways...Let's get back to our main subject CJ. He's the hero of this writing. He's the reason I got this blog. He's the reason I got back to writing. Let's hope that the life of this blog will be a long one. *Lol*

I will not give away his name, because I like to keep things secret. Besides, I don't think he would like it if I had use his name without him knowing it. So, we'll call him CJ.

So...He went to college in UK which is interesting and impressive. While the whole world tries to come to the states for college, he went to UK. So, he's not attached to his family from the hip which is almost the best thing ever! I'm sick of guys telling me "I am sooo close with my family. We spend every weekend together." which I translate this sentence as "I have such a miserable life that I don't have anyone but my family on my side, so we're always together." Not attractive at all! Don't get me wrong! It's nice that a man has good relations with his family, but there's a difference between having good relations with your family and being a mama's boy. Lately, all the guys I met are mama's boys, but they don't know this. However, I can't blame them. I am the one who's fishing on the wrong pond as my neighbor says. Where did I find them? Online...They say, today, 1 out of 4 relations start online. So, I guess that's why I decided to try. It's nothing but BS! I see there are handsome guys in other states, cities, etc, but only miserable guys live in my city! However, I am hoping that things will change soon. I don't know if CJ and I can have a relationship, but... if he keeps looking at me the way he looked, soon, I'll melt and become a glass of Angie. *Lol*