October 19, 2010

Insecurities kick in...

It's been quite a while since I was so worried and felt unsecured. It happens when I and the guy I like have mutual friends. Maybe it's weird and I know I should not feel the way I feel. If he liked me, he liked me the way I am or he should like me the way I am. I shouldn't change for anyone, but for myself. I can't change I know, and If I force myself to change, sooner or later I will go back to my original self and would waste the time feeling weird, because of trying to be someone else, but myself. Why do I not change for myself? Because I'm lazy *lol* there, I said it, but maybe he can help me to change. He can make me a better person. When I am in a relationship I feel that I am a better person. I don't do reckless, dangerous things and do not live on the edge. You know, he can help me to live healthier. I know that he ran in few "5K Run"s and he does Yoga which is something I want to do for quite a long time. So...I don't know he can be my cure. Or am I just getting too happy too soon?

Saturday was the second time seeing him. The first time was in May. I was struck by how handsome, nice, clean he was looking. Maybe that's a funny way to describe, but this is exactly how he was. He had this good guy look on his face, without looking too childish and handsome, but not arrogant, and well-educated guy look. I liked everything about him as far as I saw, but I have doubts that he's not masculine enough as much as I want my perfect guy to be, but hey, nobody is perfect, right? I also think we are different; our music taste, life style, and he doesn't like cats. Is it a deal breaker? It can be, I am an animal lover, but there is no need to think about it right now.

What was I saying? When I first saw him in May, we were at a formal school lunch meeting sitting at the same table. He was one of the people in charge! I was talking to my friend about the guy I was seeing and was telling her that "I am tired. I just want a good guy. No games, no lies, nothing. Is it that difficult? I start to believe that there are no good guys around. If there are I can't see them, seriously!" and he was listening to us I knew. (So cute! isn't it) I knew that he was listening and I thought he was so cute, sweet, handsome, decent, whatever you say, but of course there was no way to turn to him and say hey you look nice would you date me? hahaha I'm sure everybody at the table would shock and die at that moment. So, unfortunately, I had to let him go. Besides, I wasn't looking my best, because I didn't care about the lunch/meeting and I was feeling ashamed for not being so unpolished next to such a good looking guy. Then I added him on fb. I hoped that he would talk. He could say something about that day, lunch, anything. Then I thought maybe he didn't remember me, maybe he doesn't care.

I don't know about you, but it happens to me when you like someone he doesn't feel the same way, because you are not good enough for him. Everybody around you tells you how pretty, how nice, how good you are, but you are never good enough for those drop dead gorgeous guys. Well, most of them don't have the brains, but even the rare ones with brain do not look at you. Wow, I had no idea it would make me feel so naked to write this. I don't know if I can be able to share this. We'll see...

So, I almost forgot about CJ until this past Saturday. My friend wanted me to invite our other friends to this event. Since, I am the Miss Event Organizer, it was my duty to message people. So, I messaged most of the people on my fb account. I was not sure about inviting him, because basically I do not know him and I thought it would be weird, but then I thought not inviting him would be more weird since we have 8 friends in common and I was inviting them all. So, I invited him, too, but didn't get any return messages and I didn't care  who comes and doesn't. Then when we entered the bar with one of the girls I invited and she said I told CJ to come. I was trying to be cool, but my heart tried to jump out of  my chest *lol* Right after she finished her sentence I saw him. He was sitting at the bar. I thought my friend was going to walk pass him without saying Hi to him. So, I said "oh look he's here." So, we said hi to him and started taking. He didn't know the name of the girl who reminded him to come to the event. Isn't it hilarious? I thought, so did he come to see me? or he was just bored and had nothing better to do on a Saturday night, but considering the way he kept looking me all night he might come to see me. *smiling ear to ear*

Then, he came to downtown with us but left us at the door of the club. I cannot forget his face. It was so cute. I wanted to hold his face inside my hands. There was sorrow in his eyes or he was bored, or this is how he is, but it was different. As if he wanted to say something, wanted to stay to spend time with me, but he didn't want to be there and he didn't want to leave either. You may think that it's all in my mind. Maybe you are right, but I am just telling what I saw, or what I thought it was... Thank God! I had his number. Imagine! I managed to get his number and gave mine using the excuse that we might lose each other while driving to downtown. My friend said CJ is not coming in because the place is packed and he doesn't feel like dealing with such a crowd right now. So, I texted him and he apologized for leaving saying we can drink some other time again. Maybe he was just being polite, but polite people would not look into your eyes as if they try to see your soul, and they do not look as if they are trying to memorize every inch of your face.  I don't know only time will tell I guess, but from the way he looks I can tell that he's interested in, but I don't even know if he has a girlfriend. He kept texting to someone all night. Probably you are thinking that I'm stupid for making something from such a small thing like staring, but I hope it to be real. I hope to run into him on Wednesday and we'll see what happens. If things go good I might see him again on Saturday. Then I have one other plan to see him. Wish me luck! :)

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