December 14, 2010

Taking it easy...

I decided to take things easy. I am not chasing love anymore. I will wait for it to happen at the right time at the right place. Do I believe this? Yes. Besides, I don't have any other options than believing in this. I dated so many wrong guys aka loser, disgusting jerks that at this stage in my life all I can do is to wait. I am still young. There is no need to be desperate to find love. I can take my time.

He is some where out there and I will meet him one day.

Till then let's talks about old funny dating stories ;)


Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong.

The storm is coming soon.

I still believe in summer days
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

December 09, 2010


There isn't much to write about really. I guess Mary is right, if you push something too much it won't come true. I dedicated myself so much finding a boy friend since April, because I want to be in a relationship happily. I am sick of being single. I want someone next to me who is in love with me and just happy to be with me. So, I dated many guys, but I couldn't find what I was looking for. I always eliminate men if they don't fit my criteria. I hope like my Mary says I can realize him when I run into him, because I am afraid that I cannot see this since I keep eliminating them and moving on. I don't want to end up alone, and just because I don't want to end up alone, I don't want to be with someone who is not good enough for me. I want to find the One. Do I ask for too much? If there is someone for everyone where is my match?

I'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?
There's just nothing left to say here...

December 07, 2010

Thank You CJ

I hosted a formal dinner party recently and guess who was one of the guests? Yes, you guessed it correctly. It was CJ. At first i came up with this plan just to see him or to create another chance to hang out with him, i don't know. Then it turned into a way that I just didn't care if he comes or not, I was going to be with my friends and this is what was important for me. I was going to enjoy myself and entertain my guests.

I don't care what others say, he was still upset with me that I didn't buy his game and confronted him saying that it's not ok to use me for my connections. Still a twenty-seven year-old man should know how to behave when he is among friends, my friends. Clearly, he has no clues. He was really rude to me. He barely talked to me. As if he was in a restaurant having dinner with his friends and I was the waitress. Wait! That's not all. After the dinner, he was lying on my couch his feet up on. I was like when did we get married CJ, and when did you become the man of the house? Who gave you the right to behave like that? Maybe he thought he is entitled to behave like this, because I had been to his place before, I guess four times in total. Still, it was his first time being in my home. I would expect him to be a gentleman with some manners. Clearly, he doesn't have any! However, I should thank to him. By being so rude and offhand, he helped me to de-attach myself from him, and I stated this clearly to him. I think he was a little stressed when me and my friend were talking about this guy who also wanted to come over. However, what I saw on CJ's face that he was a little stressed, because he realized that I unmasked him and made it clear to him that I already moved on. So, if he thought he was punishing me by not texting back and trying to ruin my plans for the night...sorry CJ you couldn't do it!

I am surprised that he was more jerk than all the other jerks that I know. He looks like a good guy, he treats you as if he is a good guy, but once you get to know him a little's like opening the can of worms. He is disgusting me, because of the rude behaviors he had at my home. I am glad I am almost over him. I need the other 10% to be over him 100%, but still 90% is a good ratio to begin with! :)


No strings attached between me and you
Amazing it seems
You mean nothing to me anymore...

December 02, 2010

First Argument

This morning I sent him my first pissed off text message. Few hours later I was all calmed down and decided to apologize and explain why I did, what I did. I wrote him how he made me feel and told him that we can see each other in any atmosphere, as long as he doesn't invite me to an event because he needs to impress people for his job. One hour nineteen minutes later he send me a very political answer, turning up everything as if it was all in my mind and I made it up and he has no idea what i was talking about. I couldn't believe it, but I saw that there was no point in arguing with him, I would be just wasting my time. So, I said ok whatever let's move on. Actually, this argument helped me to de-attach myself from him. One more time he proved me he is not who I think or who I want him to be.

Ah how much I miss Keith in times like this. His answer to my message would be all honest and sweet, not political like CJ. Anyways, never miss an ex. This is my motto and I am sticking to it!

Nothing will ever be the same again...

November 30, 2010

Back to Square 1, CJ?

I wish he was really meaning the lyrics of the song that he sent to me as one of his favorite songs. I know probably he could not even think that sending the song might imply something to me. The lyrics are so perfect that it's exactly what I would want him to say.

I wish I could do better by you,
Cos that's what you deserve.
You sacrifice so much of your life,
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams,
Sailing around the world,
Please know that I'm yours to keep,
My beautiful girl.

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies,
Knowing that I may have been the cause,
If you were to leave, fulfill someone elses dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.

But you don't ask for no diamond rings,
No delicate string of pearls,
That's why I wrote this song to sing,
My beautiful girl

Although he's coming over for dinner to join me and my friends, and we agreed on drinking more of his wine and watching a movie (all was decided today!), I do not expect anything. I know that he'll not keep his promises. Besides, we have limited time, so probably nothing will happen. I will just enjoy his company and will enjoy the moment.

November 28, 2010

I say goodbye this time

Ok. So, the guy that I was looking forward to talking to on Thursday evening turned out to be a disappointment, but!...I met few others. Two Latinos, one Cuban guy, and one Spanish speaking blonde guy. I liked the blonde guy. Maybe because he had these crazy eyes; full of life and humor. It's a sign of brains I think. Before anything else a guy should have brains, then a caring kindness soul. I'm so getting him! *hehe* I already talked to one of the party hosts where I met Mr Espanol. She got my intentions and offered to arrange a double date. Cross your fingers everybody and say goodbye to CJ!

You say goodbye, I say hello, but that's it CJ!

November 27, 2010

Same Script, Different Cast, Same Ending...

When I think about everything clearly, I see how selfish and cold CJ is, and I start to hate him. He is not who I think he is. I wanted him to be someone else, and I kept looking for that person in him, but he is not that person. I was just fooling myself. I was wasting my time thinking he's shy and inexperienced. No, these are just excuses. Like T said he is just using people; talking to them when he wants to know something, or calling/texting them when he's bored. That's it! He better stays away from me. I don't want to see him or hang out with him again. I don't want his friendship. I have enough friends.

Waiting for My Sunny Day...

I deserve to be happy, don't I? I want to ask God, why? why? why don't you let me be happy? but I know it's not him. I know he can make whatever he wants come true, but it's me. I am like this because of my choices, but still he could help me a little by making things easier for me; taking away my pain. Not about CJ, but it would be great if I could get rid of my sadness and my fears in general. I think at least I deserve this. I know that he is not going to do anything. I need to fight and hang in there. The sun will rise again after darkness of the night...

I want to believe that there will be a day when I am happy and peaceful. There is this man who will love me, adore me, and will want to spend his life with me to get old with me. I believe that. It's like ray of light between clouds. There is hope. My life might be cloudy right now, but time will come for me to have my sunny day. I believe that.

What's going on?

Is that a coincidence or am a conspiracy theorist as always? I don't know, but if there is one thing that I know is that something is going on!

Few hours later writing those sentences I got new news about CJ. Now, I am thinking did I misinterpret everything? Was it all in my mind? Or is there something that I don't know, and I miss?

Another two hours passed. I am so hurt that I can't write...I don't know what to write, because I don't know what to think...

P.S I know this sounds so confusing to you, but I can't explain right now, but promise I'll....

How come the only way to know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall?
I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right

November 25, 2010

CJ vs Mr Patriot

it's always so easy to talk to the Patriot guy. After struggling to keep the conversation going with CJ, it's so much fun talking to Mr Patriot. Except talking about politics! Although I need to keep the conversation going. When i don't talk for few minutes he says he has to do something or he needs to go sleep. However, when he says these things it's mostly midnight or later. He doesn't say he's going to shower, study, sleep and leave suddenly. So, he is not rude like CJ.

I'm so tired, I can't write any more. See you in another post. *lol* Bye...

November 22, 2010

Supreme boss with a baby angel sleeping face...

Maybe he's not ignoring me after all. I think he is just selfish. He talks and sees me when he has time, which is why he is single, because life doesn't revolve around him.

Anyways, I was surprised when he sent me a message on the messenger after ignoring my friend's text on Saturday about joining us. He could at least say that he can't come. Whatever. I think I felt comfortable chatting with him last night. It was a friendly talk and I was okay with that. Although I was surprised that he was comfortably joking. It's interesting seeing him letting his guard down which doesn't happen often, but i guess we are making a progress. He feels more comfortable around me.

I was not surprised when he asked my plans for the next day, because I was expecting it to come, but I was surprised when he joked about me being have to report to him about my daily plans. He didn't sound like my control freak ex, I think I found it cute, because he was self-confidently joking. He called himself the supreme boss. Supreme boss with a baby angel sleeping face...

Without having any expectations we'll see what will happen in the next and my last 15 weeks. I hope he knows that he's wasting valuable time having his guard up, being shy, insecure or what ever the heck he is doing.

November 21, 2010

CJ is doing me a favor...

When it took almost 5 hours for CJ to text me back yesterday, I thought I was exaggerating the idea that he is ignoring me. However, today I am sure that he is ignoring me. Although accepting this frustrates me, I must thank to him for doing what I couldn't do. This way it will be easier to put distance between us, and it will be easier for me to move on, or at least I hope so.

I don't even know why I fell for this guy. I guess it's because I am still single, but I don't want to be anymore. I can't find any other answers, because he is nothing like I am looking for. Maybe this is the attraction of opposite poles. I don't know...What ever it is, it is over, because he is ignoring me, and I already knew that I had to move on, now it should be easier for me to do that.

I will see someone I like on Thursday. I don't have any hopes, because I don't like to be disappointed, but I hope things go good.At least for once...

November 20, 2010

Loveliest Mistake

I wonder how long I can stay away from CJ. If he asks me right now whether I am going out or not, I would invite him without thinking. However, while dealing with so many problems and so many emotions in my life, the last thing I need is to have my hopes high and end up with a broken heart. So, I am trying hard to stay away from him, or at least this is what I am telling to myself.

However, if I can't help myself and if I see him, I'll talk to him. I will tell him that I don't want his friendship, but I believe he has only friendship in the store. So, I will not contact him again, or at least I will try not to. Maybe putting it all out may help. It might change things, or it might end things and so I can move on. This time for good!

November 19, 2010


It's like two steps forward and one step back...

He knows how to disappoint me and make me sad. I should just accept him as a friend that will hang out and I should move on. There's nothing else to say. I guess T is right. Although CJ is nothing like I am looking for I like him, because he's as if he's flirting then he's taking it back; I'm chasing him that's why I am still attracted to him, but that's not good enough for me. I want a real relationship I can't keep up these games for ever...

November 18, 2010

A Sweet Torture but Until Where & When?

I know it sounds so masochistic, but this is how I feel. I cannot forget him and move on.

He was really nice to me today, if only he could be more quick witted. However, he is not, and he makes me think maybe he just wants to stay friends, because he still feels like he is in his comfort zone this way. I don't know.

All I know is that he is exhausting me, and frustrating me with these "what are you up to?", "what are you gonna do tomorrow questions?" If he is not asking me out, he is not knowing what I am doing. This is nobody's freaking business. I am not reporting him on my daily activities as if he is my father!

November 17, 2010

Why Do People Do That To Me?


I was ready to take the action to forget CJ, because he is only interested in me to make his student club more popular. He wants me to go to their events so it will be one more person there, and wants me to invite my friends. That's it. Oh I forgot, he invites me when he doesn't want to drink alone! That's not even caring the other person. However, that night when I was drunk he came, because he is a nice person and he helps people that need help. That's it. That's how I see it.

However, my friend T said, I'll set you up with him when you least expect it, because that's when it works, and I know you like him. Yes, for some reason I like him, although I know that he is not the right person for me. However, by doing that she unfreeze all my emotions. Besides, CJ IMed me few minutes ago. I was happy, but it was just to ask me if I am coming to their club meeting. I want to think maybe it's his excuse to see me, but I don't want to believe that, because I can hurt myself by believing in a lie.

On the other hand, my friends are saying to me that CJ is not contacting them to invite them to the club events, or he doesn't talk to them when they are online on fb. So, it seems like it's just me that he's contacting. Is it his way of approaching me? I want to believe that, but I don't want to have my hopes high. I'll go see him today, but this might be the last time seeing him.

No matter what others say I'll try to stay away from him and move on to protect my heart.

November 16, 2010

Time To Move On...

After having a heart-to-heart talk with my best friend T, I realized that CJ is not the guy I want. He is a nice guy, but he's not the "One" that I'm looking for. He is not even close to what I want and I always knew this. I was just not listening to myself.

T is right, he is not even really interested in me. Maybe he found me different, interesting, pretty, but if he had really liked me, he would be doing something to get my heart. More than texting and inviting me out when he's around and has free time.

Thinking of letting him go still hurts me, but this is what I need to do. I will move on one more time. There is no point of hurting myself. I will change the way I act; I will be "just a friend". I will not see him for a while or won't join him when he asks me. I am sure he will realize this soon. He's not a dumb guy after all. He needs to know that I can give up on him easily.

I'll be still looking for the right guy for myself, and I hope to find him soon. I deserve to be in a relationship happily. I just don't believe that there is this right guy for me. It's like missing someone that doesn't exist...

You don't mean nothing at all to me...

November 13, 2010

Do I Not Deserve To Be Happy?

Every time I say I'm happy he does something to ruin it...

I watched a movie with friends...I just went there to see him and he was distant, not figure of speech, he was sitting away from me. Then, we invited him to join us after the movie. He said ok first, then said no. Long story short we got our drinks and went to his place. It was okay. We stayed more than three hours and had fun until the last half an hour. His friend told him to go on a double date with him and his girlfriend because it would be fun, and guess what he said "there are no good girls around. He repeated it over and over. Beside, I don't have time for a girlfriend." He made me felt soooooo bad. Then what am I doing here all this time? He was bored and I was entertaining him?!? My friend said it's the alcohol talking. She might be right, and I guess I said something like that in the past, but what I meant "prove me that you are a good guy". I don't know what he was thinking when he said it. He wasn't that drunk!

What hurts me most that he might really meant what he said! :(

November 12, 2010

Got Happiness Today?

I didn't sleep more than 5 hours today but I'm perfectly fine, because I feel happy inside. I woke up at 8 and thought about texting CJ to wake him up asking about his hangover. Besides, he said he needs to wake up at 8. Then I said don't do it. You always expect people to think like you and you mess things up by over communicating. So, since I told him that i'm going to wake up at 8:30am I was lying on the bed resting, waiting for the wake up time. Eight minutes after eight I got a text...from him! It was him saying his head hurts. I found it cute. Especially considering that he woke up at 8 (if he did as he said he would, instead of 7:30am as he wakes up normally) texting me after such a short time...was really nice. We texted a little bit. He said he slept like a baby angel. This is exactly how he sleeps after a night drinking. I remember the last time I watched him sleeping...The exact word to describe him is a Baby Angel! So pure and innocent...

I think I really like this guy. I was never sure about my feeling in my life before, but now I think I do like him :) I haven't given up on him considering how frugal he is and how much he complains about everything. If I find those things cute I must really liking the guy, right? :)

Sweet Dreams CJ...

Ok I just came home. i was with CJ :) he texted me around 6:30 saying

CJ: What are you up to?
Me: Nothing just enjoying an evening w/o classes. what are you doing?
CJ: Nothing. do you wanna do something?

i was like OMG finally this is it.

Me: What do you have in mind?
CJ: idk. beer?

i was disappointed because i thought this is how he sees me, a girl who drinks all the time.

Me: It's too early for me to drink besides i dont wanna see any alcohol for sometime text me if you have plans that doesn't involve drinking.
CJ: We can do something non alcoholic.

Then he called. Of course he didnt have any plans and i was watching my favorite shows. So he said he's going to stop by his friend place, then he'll call so we can chat. Around 10.30 he called and said "i don't know" as usual. I suggested going to a café that is open late at night and asked if he still wants to drink. He said i don't know decide for me. It was kind of weird because you know couples do that. If the guy cant decide, the girl decides for him and he's ok with that most of the time. So, i said you shouldn't drink. He was like you're tight not i'm not going to drink. We went to that café but it was already closed. Normally they close at midnight then he was like you want to go? I said no i'm not going home! We should do something since we are already here. He suggested going to a bar downtown and we ended up going to his place, because he had beer and he's cheap. Anyways, I like the guy so I was not frustrated with him or anything like that. Strangely, I feel at home in his place.

Every time i said i should go he was like finish your beer you are not going anywhere. It was sweet of him to come up with these excuses not to send me. Then I said goodbye and he hugged me and it was a long one. I was like ooookkk this is not how a friend hugs another friend, then he said text me when you are home.

I was 2 seconds late and he called me said he waited for me to text to go to sleep. Awwwww how sweet is that! :D

By the way, in front of the café I saw that bisexual guy I dated. OMG! I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Thank God! he didn't talk to me. He was smiling tough and it was weird. I was glad CJ was with me there. xoxo CJ

Look at me, I'm not even mad at you, I'm just like that
I want love, joy, good spirit
It's not your money that will make me happy
I want to die with a hand on my heart

November 11, 2010

So Called "Tall" B

Another ordinary day with crazy sleeping schedule...

I should really put my life back in track. Anyways, this is not our subject right now. What our subject is...No it's not CJ, you couldn't guess it right this time. It's so called "Tall" B.

Of course it was really late for ordinary people but when I woke up I saw a text from so called "Tall" B saying he had a good time yesterday and we should definitely go out again. He spelled definitely wrong by the way.   Call me crazy, but I found is text repulsive. You are texting to a girl that you went on a date with, not to your buddy or not to a friend. I don't know, maybe I'm harsh on him, because I had no expectations starting from the beginning. I am sure I would be jumping up and down if it was CJ who sent me this text. By the way, I don't know why I like CJ, he is not my type at all, but there is something about him that I can't move on. Anyways, so called "Tall" B was ok as a friend as I said before, but I am so not going to a second date with him. I believe he said what he said to give this thing a second try. He didn't look impressed at all yesterday, but he was nervous *haha* he was trying to look cool, but didn't know where to put his hands or how to sit. Especially he got nervous when I didn't sit next to him, but that puffy chair was so low, so sat at the wooden chair that way I could sit more comfortably than I could be on that puffy and low chair and my face and my body was turned to him. So, I got all the body language correct not to make the poor guy sad.

So, that's the end of so called "Tall" B story.

November 10, 2010

Why Do I Have To Be Right All The Time?

Ok I'm reporting back as I said I would...

At first, I was not looking forward to it, but then I had great hopes but of course he was another disappointment...

I never had a healthy life, but lately my life is out of control. The stress level can make you stay up all night, and sleep all day. This is exactly what happened to me. Although I set all four alarms on my cell, I slept until 3:30pm. Half an hour before my date with Tall B. By the way he is not that tall at all! I was expecting someone 6 feet. The guy I met was maximum 5' 7". I was dreaming of a tall, blonde hunk. What I got was a medium height, skinny dark blonde baby-faced guy. Not attractive at all! CJ is not a tall hunk, but at least I like him. I would definitely prefer to go on a date with CJ then this so called "Tall" B.

He said he is 23, but he was looking max 18! Not attractive at all! I like guys that are older than me, and I prefer them to show their ages, because I'm a baby-face and people think I'm 17 without make-up. (Recently, I accept this as a compliment, because I'm not getting any younger!)

So, I thought I could get ready in half an hour, but I had to wash my hair, and I said what if I can't make it there on time?!? So, I texted him "I might run late, let's make it 4:30. I don't want you to wait there for me for a long time." He also woke up around the same time with me I guess, because he accepted my suggestion with such a joy and said we can even make it 5. Which was much better. I had barely time for washing my hair, getting dressed, doing my make up and putting a coat of nail polish on my nails, texting to my friend and getting extra clothes with me to wear it after my date, because I don't like walking around with tights and high heels all day. So, it was 4:47 when i was there. I was glad that I wasn't late, but I cursed for being so early. What was I going to do?!? Right after I parked I got a text from so called "Tall" B saying we can meet some other time if you are busy. I had to say I thought about it for a second, but I was already there with my perfect make up on. I was so not postponing it. I wanted to get over with it, because I knew deep down that this was going to be another one time coffee date for me. So I checked myself in the mirror. Admired my eye make up and admired my skill to learn a suitable smoky eye make up for myself in a short time. Then I realized I got a text from this so called "Tall" B saying he just parked and waiting me outside the café. I got out of my car and I looked. All I saw was a kid sitting on a bench next to the café entrance. I was shocked and decided to get back into my car and drive off, but I said "act like a civilized person girl! You won't die if you chat with him for an hour." Although an hour sounded like a really long time for this date. Long story short I spent one our chatting with "Tall" B. He was a friend.

Besides, he didn't text me after the date. I think I was a little too much for him. Anyways as Rose always says "Who's next?"

We are moving on...

Or we are just moving on from so called "Tall" B case.

It was a little after 11pm when I came home after an exhausting day and I signed in on the messenger. I just wanted to CJ to see that I'm home. I know it's cheesy, but I like him knowing that I'm sitting at home, not partying 24/7! So...his status was away, and I didn't care, I went to remove my make up, and change my clothes. When I was finally back and sat down I saw his message saying "Angie" Unfortunately I saw it 23 minutes late. He was already offline when I saw the message. I was happy and sad at the same time. I was happy that he sent me a message although the message was consist of just my name...I was sad, because I missed him. Anyways, I hope to talk to him tomorrow. I am sure he was just going to ask me how I am doing. Which is the question that is on my hate list recently, because I don't know the answer of this question. I feel so numb that I don't feel anything at all. I just have this heaviness on my chest that prevents me from breathing. That's about it...

November 09, 2010

He Deserves A Chance...

Maybe I was too harsh on Tall B....

I did it again. I start telling stuff starting from the middle. Let me start from the beginning...

My dearest lovely mom did it again and sent me a text 3:30 in the morning, saying "call me if you are up. We can talk I'm at home today." Normally, we don't schedule our telephone conversations, so I knew something was up. I thought about waking up, but I said, sleep girl. Probably you will not be able to sleep in after such a message. So, I woke up from a nightmare an hour later receiving the text. The minute I was online my friend started chatting me and unloading her recent news, problems, etc. Of course I listened to her as a good friend. Then I called my mom and the real life nightmare started. However, I didn't feel anything afterwards. I'm so numb that I cannot feel anything anymore!

at 7:47am CJ was online. I must say I was surprised, and I wasn't sure if I should send him a message or not. So around 8:30am I said what are you doing here so early. Long story short, he said feel free to talk to me whenever you want a friendly support. Ok, I was glad that he was offering to be there for me while I'm going through this tough time, but what the heck is "friendly support"? Was it his kind way of saying I don't like you indeed? Then what do you want from me, why don't you leave me alone? All these talks are "friendly" only? I was happy and disappointed about CJ today.

I spent the day sleeping, that's what I do when I am sad and depressed. Then I woke up to a text. First thing I thought is it CJ checking on me? Of course it wasn't him. He can never think of such things or has the courage to do that. However, it was Tall B, talking about his day, he was kind of complaining, but saying that he is looking forward to meeting me. At that moment, I really liked the guy and he got a plus from me. However, I was not in the mood to text. I was feeling exhausted and wanted to sleep, and I think he wanted to keep texting. I cut him short saying "I see you tomorrow, then. I'll call you when I'm there." Half an hour later I got a text from my friend who is setting me up with Tall B saying "good luck tomorrow." I laughed my a** off! Like a girl, Tall B called my friend, the Owl to report back on him that we set a date?!? OMG! Although, this is kind of disturbing, and this might point out to be a problem, I found it so cute on the other hand.

By the way, I hate CJ asking me my plans for tomorrow. He does that everyday! If you are not inviting me any where, why do you care what I am doing? It's like he feels better when he knows what I am doing, but I find it weird!

Let's see how the day will go tomorrow. I am kind of hopeful for tomorrow. I hope he won't be another disappointment. I'm just tired of this...

November 08, 2010


Time to talk about other frogs....

This blog was supposed to be about dating frogs to find the One, but lately all I talked about was CJ. However, things might change. I still like CJ, but my friend wants to set me up with his friend Tall B. I have to say I have no expectations, I even expect the date to be a disaster, but who knows what God has for me.

I think Tall B doesn't know how to text back to a girl, either. He texted on Thursday for the first time. Actually, it's kind of an embarrassing story. I was upset with CJ and texted my friend that wanted to set me up with his friend saying, your friend had a cold feet i think. A minute later I got a text from this guy saying "Hi I'm Tall B. I was really busy this week. Sorry." I was like damn he texted him and told him to text me. I would prefer Tall B to want to text me. Hoever, what annoyed me with this guy was that everything was all about him. There was no how are yous, or how is life questions. I found it rude.

He texted me today asking how was my weekend. I was like buddy today is Sunday, it's a part of weekend. It's not over yet. How dumb are you?!? These kind of things irritates me. It shows that you are not quick witted, but it's difficult to find this among these guys in this city. So, I guess I'll have to be ok with what this place has to offer me.

We are meeting this coming Tuesday, I think, because he didn't confirm the time. I guess he was wanting to save 20cents per message. How cheap is that! Don't think that I already hate the guy without meeting him. Maybe I do (because of CJ), but I know the mentality of these man. My friend is one of them. He told me not to text him, because it costs him 20cents per message. I was like so?!? Anyways, let's get back to Tall B. I don't have any expectations about the date. I accepted to meet him just because I'm having my year of yes. A year of yes (YoY), is a time where a woman decides not to reject guys who ask her ask out that she would normally reject them. So, yes I'm having my year of yes, but CJ is not part of the year of yes. I would want to get to know him and be closer to him in anyways. However, most of the guys I went out with since May are just a part of my Year of Yes.

So, we'll see how things will go with Tall B. I must say I'm not looking forward to this date at all!

Will report back on Tuesday...

November 07, 2010

Are You a People Pleaser, CJ?

What are you doing, CJ? I'm glad we talked more than we usually do and we talked about different things, but I don't know what to think. I say something and you say you are interested in learning more about it, then I say something else, you say you want to know more about it, too. Of course it is possible for someone to be interested in more than one subject, but to me it seemed like you are trying to impress me like a person pleaser. Maybe I'm just too suspicious; I am just afraid that this is your game. I don't want to think that you are trying to fool me, but after all you are a man, so it's in your nature!

I must say I was really happy when you said "I'll need to show it next time when you are here" So, it means I will be coming to your place again. God knows how long it will take you to find the courage to invite me but...

I was feeling like we were not making any progress, but maybe we do. We take baby steps. I hope to get to the next step fast (being in a relation), because I might have to go back home soon :(
Then you might think, so maybe we shouldn't start, but I see it from a different perspective. It might be tough, but we should embrace the time we have, we shouldn't waste it thinking there is no future for us, because maybe there is a way who knows...


It's like everyday i feel more and more confused. There is one thing I know, you will not let me forget you...

I am so confused inside I don't know what to write, because I don't know what to think nor what I am feeling.

November 06, 2010

Why CJ Why?

What are you doing? Or more importantly why are you doing this? When I say that's it I'm moving on, you do something unexpected from you.

Let me start from the beginning...

After the fiasco on Thursday, I said that's it! I'm so over him. Then on Friday, last night, right after I made plans with girls to go out I checked my cell to see if girls sent me another text about Girls Night Out, and guess what I saw... a text from him asking how was the show and If I am going out tonight (for last night). I must say I was surprised because I was not waiting him to text me, but I was also guessing that he was going to text me because when we talked he said text me later and I didn't because what the heck was I going to text after his cheapness on Thursday. So, I was feeling confused last night when I got his text.

Why do you do this to me, CJ? Why do you keep reminding yourself when I finally decide to forget you and move on.

I told my plan and said he can come if he wants to. I was just being polite, I don't like talking about my plans and not inviting people and making them wishing to be invited. That's rude and I'm not like that. So, I invited him and he didn't text back. Two hours later, he said he's going to the place I'm going with my friends because his friends are already there. I was like ok, just calm down and be cool, because I was already nervous.

As girls, we were late, because you know low long it takes us to get prepared, or maybe it was just me *lol*. Anyways, then he texted again saying he's next door. I was like whatever, dude. There's no way in hell that I'm going to his feet. You might find it crazy, but that's how I see the situation. If a guy wants to see me and hang out with me he better come to the place I'm in. Not vice versa! So, I said, cool we are at ... Then he said come next door it's better. I didn't even bother to text back. Of course on his way home, he stopped by the place we were in to say hi. Talked for few minutes with me and the girls and he left.

I don't see any future in this thing... All I want is a normal relationship with a guy that is not stupid or jerk. Do I ask for too much?

I do not want you anymore.
What do you want from me?
You're my mistake, 

November 05, 2010

No More Chances, CJ!

How come one person can be so dysfunctional in flirting? I mean ok this may not be your cup of tea, you might not be experienced in this field whatever, but when someone comes to you with two options you choose one of them!

After I rejected his movie offer because of my class, I felt bad, so before I go to class I texted him saying, "I'm going to class enjoy your movie night :)" just to keep the conversation going. I'm sure he was happy that I texted him. During the class I saw his text, texted few minutes after my text, saying, "Holla. What you doing after class?" I was like yess! this is it. This time I'll not let him waste this chance. So, I said, "Gina's favorite band here, she wants to go listen them, but idk...Do u wanna come? What's ur plan?" I invited him and gave him his space in case he might want to do something else. His answer was "I have no plan." Ok, man, but does that mean that you are going to join us or what?!? Right? A normal person would answer the first part of the question, but I guess in CJ's case you have to direct him one question at a time. So, I told myself to stay calm and texted him saying "What time your movie ends maybe we can do something after" His answer could not be any shorter, "830ish"

During the break we left the class; I was really tired and the class was really boring that I couldn't focus on, and did not understand one single thing they were saying. So, we went to Gina's dorm room and texted CJ again, "We left the class do u wanna go to that place it's not my style but u might like indie electro or wanna go have coffee this class makes me feel sleepy lol"

So, the options were clear. All he had to do was to choose one or the other or he could come up with something else, which would be something unexpected in CJ's case. Guess what was his answer! "I'm i the movie still" At that moment I really lost my mind! I already know that you are still in the freaking movie CJ! You told me that you are going to be there until freaking 830ish! I said, "I know I'm talking abt after the movie..."

I mean c'mon for God sake! You don't need to be a genius to answer my questions, it's for normal human level!

Around 8:30pm he called me...

I have to accept I got nervous. I was like what am I going to say. Gina and I were looking each other all smiling and she was telling me to talk and I was just waiting phone to ring one or two times, so he wouldn't know that I was sitting my the phone waiting a text from him. I said hello in my coolest tone. After he questioned me about where I was, he asked how much is this live band performance. It was $18. I already knew that he was going to find it expensive, but I was hoping that he would choose the other option, having coffee. He was like oh wow that's really expensive for a band I never heard of. I agreed on him, just not to offend him and let him know that I think he is cheap! So, I said what do you want to do? Have coffee? I don't know why he pretended like he didn't hear me, or he was not listening to me. He kept saying I don't know what I am doing blah blah blah. I don't even remember some of the stuff he said. So, I decided to hang up, because the conversation was not leading to anywhere. He said text me later. Text you later? For what? You don't go to anywhere with me and what the hell am I supposed to text you CJ? Huh? I said bye and I hung up on him and started yelling and cursing.

I don't understand this guy. Ok, maybe you don't have much money, but you work at a restaurant until midnight, so you are making money. Where the hell do you spend it? Let's say you barely break even, but if you like a girl, you show effort to see her, to spend time with her. Especially if she invited you to join her  and her friends for three times you either go there or find something else to see her without breaking the bank. I don't understand why he came the first time I invited him out to a night without knowing that he's interested in me...

I still believe in the one in a million chance that he might be reading these; I never wanted to write anything bad about him here, but I can't help it anymore, CJ you are a moron! You don't even know the letter D in dating! There I said it!

There's no second chances!

November 04, 2010

I Feel Sunny Inside...

You can't imagine what a good feeling waking up and seeing his text on your phone.

I was really surprised first, and looked at the phone twice and thought about pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Then I rushed to unlock the keypad and read his text. Although it sounded like a 13 year-old to me, nearly for the first time he invited me to somewhere. If I had accepted it we were not going to be alone, but when I invite him I invite him to join me and my friends. So, I guess it was fair.

Why I couldn't accept his invite? Simply, because I have a class today until 8:40 pm. I didn't ask for the time of the movie, but I know that I cannot make it there on time. Although I have a guess about which movie they are going to see. I am sure they are not going to see a drama, it must be the horror movie, and I do not watch horror movies. If I had to go with them probably I would stay in his place whole week without trying to sneak out!

I wonder if he was disappointed when I just said I have class. He didn't even text back which didn't surprise me, because I think he doesn't know what to say. I am definitely not used to this type of guys. I don't know what he was doing for the last fifteen years? He should know these by now, but there is something about him that keeps me from dumping him and moving on. I don't know what it is, but I'll keep going till my limited time ends in this country...

Not that I am keeping scores or anything, after rejecting me three times to join me and my friends, he tasted his own medicine "rejection". Now, we are even >:)

...I don't care if it is raining outside or feeling exhausted, I feel sunny inside :)

I wanna be more than friends...

November 03, 2010

If you are reading this...

CJ, are you there? Are you reading this? I mean I know the possibility must be less then one in a million, but how come every time after I post a writing here saying you didn't talk to me and you don't care, you suddenly start talking to me? I mean what kind of a weird situation is that?

Thank you for showing some attention this time. It's better than nothing as I always say. However, the patriot guy shows more attention to me than you do. The only problem is not that he's away, I'm not sure he's the one I want.

I don't know who I want. If only I could be sure about what I feel. I don't even if you are sure about what you feel. Leaving in the middle of the conversation to take a shower?!?! You make me feel like I'm a friend you talk to, but you don't really like. Maybe that's how you feel about me...

November 02, 2010

What a Disappointment You are...

I think I expected too much from him. I thought he was someone that he isn't. He's just like any other insensitive guy who doesn't care.

You know what is funny. These guys say they are different. They claim to be in the 1%; they are supposed to be the last good guy on earth but they fall in 99%! They are just delusional.

Why I am so hard on CJ tonight? I am going through a tough time and while all friends are asking me if there's anything they can do to help, he doesn't even say hello. I told him that someone hit my car on Sunday night. He didn't ask if I was ok. His reaction was "oh god. that sucks. i hate that when it happens." Who doesn't CJ, huh, who doesn't?

He talked to me fifteen minutes and said he has to go back to studies and he'll sleep. This is not how a caring, affectionate person behaves!

Then on Monday, he texted me asking if I would like to attend a school meeting. I said yes, just because I wanted to see him, but at the back of my mind I was think did he ask it, because as a person in charge he needs to gather more people?

After today, after not even asking me how I am while he was online for six hours there's no way in hell that I'm going that meeting on Saturday!

He better does something to prove me wrong, or he's finito for me! Even the patriot guy was more caring then him although he's not talking to me right now, either.

I don't get it. What is wrong with these guys. I understand that they don't want any drama, but if the person you like/love has some drama in their lives you stick by them. You help them through these tough times. You don't run away as if you had seen a ghoul.

I serious do not understand how our mothers found someone to get married and went and still going through good and bad times together. Now, it seems like a fairy tale to me; a guy who is there for you for the good and for the bad!

November 01, 2010


I'm happy that we are still talking, but on the other hand, I still think what if he thinks I'm easy and he keeps talking to me, because he wants to keep me as a Plan B? Or he just keeps talking to me, because he knows that he's not going out with me, but he doesn't mind talking to me as a friend. I tell myself that he's not that kind of a guy, but all I have good sixth senses about him that's all. He's still a stranger to me. There are still lots of things that I don't know about him, but at the same time I feel like I know him really well, but what do I really know about him? I saw pictures of him with his twin brother, grandfather, his roommate and his girlfriend whom I met when I stayed in his place, and also pictures of him with a girl whom I want to think she's just a friend that he is close with. Maybe she's an ex and they are on good terms. I don't know...

I just texted back a friend who wanted to set me up with his friend B. I felt so guilty when I told my friend that he can give my number to this guy that he wants to set me up with. All I could think was how can I do this to CJ! This is weird! I never felt this way before. Maybe, I just don't want to hurt CJ, because he looks so fragile, emotionally. It looks like you can hurt him and make him sad easily, but this is not a turn off. I just remembered how he looked while sleeping...He was looking so innocent. There is no any other way to describe him. He was sleeping like a little innocent cute boy that makes you want to stroke his face and hair.

I wish there was a way to be sure about my feeling. Why am I so broken? Maybe it's called being young. Maybe I need long years to get to know myself better, but I'm impatient.

I always liked a guy, because he liked me. My understanding of love is pity, I guess. When someone is in love with me I feel bad and feel like I need to like them back. This is sick, I know.

Recently, I am trying to think twice, before I act so I would not find myself in a love where I don't like the guy and force myself to like him.

In this case, I am feeling so confused. I don't know maybe I like him, because he's like no other guy I met before, or maybe I really found the one that I really like. They say, only time will tell. I hope the time tells it real fast this time.

October 31, 2010

There might be another chance in the store for us

Ok. So, he contacted me! However, I don't know what to think about his IMs. It was as if he didn't care, but then why did he talk to me? Maybe, because he thinks I was an easy prey and he didn't take advantage of me first time to gain my trust. Now, he thinks he would not let his prey slide between his claws. If we think about any men this case would be true, but when I think about CJ...No, he is not that type of a person. I know it! You might think that I'm naive, but I know it, because I feel it. He's different. He's a rare kind that I'd never met maybe. He doesn't know how to flirt, or he doesn't have fancy pick up lines, but he's different. He's good. He's nice. He's kind. He cares.

I don't know why he talked to me after being online for several hours. Maybe, because he was studying like he said and didn't want to distract himself, and talked to me when he gave a break, like a woman who gives herself a piece of chocolate as the prize of dieting for one full week. *haha* I would be one sweet prize.

I asked if his roommate's girlfriend thinks I'm crazy. Actually, what I wanted to know what he was thinking. He said, no I don't think so. However, I know that he will keep bringing up that night every time he gets a chance to tease me, and he will hurt me every time without realizing how much he's hurting me...

October 30, 2010

Queen of messing things up...

I don't know where to start...

Have you ever had a day/night where you want to forget it because you just can't believe what you did, but at the same time you don't want to forget it, because it was kind of beautiful. Well, i had that night and day.

First, I was upset that for the second time CJ didn't want to go out with me and my friends. Then, I broke my own rule and texted him while intoxicated. I'm glad he came, but I don't why he came. Was it because he wanted to have drinks, or to see me, or because I said I was drunk and he felt responsible?

Long story short, I slept in his bed and he slept on the sofa in the living room. I knew that he was not going to take advantage of me, because he's not that kind of a guy, but you can never know someone really, right?

It was so sweet of him that he gave me a spare toothbrush and the look on his face when I saw him in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth was to die for. It was the CJ that I liked. It was "the look".

The next morning after a sleep of 5 hours I woke up at 8 and tried to leave while he was sleeping. There was no point of staying there and I was going to text him saying thank you for everything, but of course the door was locked and he woke up when I tried to unlock it. His reaction was hilarious! He said, "what are you doing? Where are you going? Why? I can't believe you tried to sneak out on me!" I was surprised that he reacted that way and it was nice to see him not wanting me to leave. He said sleep for another hour and I'll drive you to your car. I didn't feel like sleeping, because I felt uncomfortable, it's so not like me. I never crashed in a friend's house, let alone a guy's place. So, I sat there watched him sleeping. He was so cute. When he finally woke up two hours later he almost refused to let me go. When I decided to walk where ever I parked he got changed and walked me to my car, or to where I thought my car was.

We stopped by the farmers market and looked around then walked to where I thought my car was. Another long story short I figured out my car was some place else so we went back to his street and he drove me where my car was really parked. He looked kind of sad when I said goodbye. I don't know maybe I'm exaggerating. We said I see you later to each other, I gave him a half hug and I left.

Although I'm afraid that I gave him the wrong impression of me. I think, he thinks I'm a party fly. Lately, I go out with friends and I like to drink, but I'm not like this all the time. I'm just acting out because of all the drama, pressure in my life. This was a wake up call for me. Like Rose says, I learn it in the first time, and never do the same mistake again!