November 01, 2010


I'm happy that we are still talking, but on the other hand, I still think what if he thinks I'm easy and he keeps talking to me, because he wants to keep me as a Plan B? Or he just keeps talking to me, because he knows that he's not going out with me, but he doesn't mind talking to me as a friend. I tell myself that he's not that kind of a guy, but all I have good sixth senses about him that's all. He's still a stranger to me. There are still lots of things that I don't know about him, but at the same time I feel like I know him really well, but what do I really know about him? I saw pictures of him with his twin brother, grandfather, his roommate and his girlfriend whom I met when I stayed in his place, and also pictures of him with a girl whom I want to think she's just a friend that he is close with. Maybe she's an ex and they are on good terms. I don't know...

I just texted back a friend who wanted to set me up with his friend B. I felt so guilty when I told my friend that he can give my number to this guy that he wants to set me up with. All I could think was how can I do this to CJ! This is weird! I never felt this way before. Maybe, I just don't want to hurt CJ, because he looks so fragile, emotionally. It looks like you can hurt him and make him sad easily, but this is not a turn off. I just remembered how he looked while sleeping...He was looking so innocent. There is no any other way to describe him. He was sleeping like a little innocent cute boy that makes you want to stroke his face and hair.

I wish there was a way to be sure about my feeling. Why am I so broken? Maybe it's called being young. Maybe I need long years to get to know myself better, but I'm impatient.

I always liked a guy, because he liked me. My understanding of love is pity, I guess. When someone is in love with me I feel bad and feel like I need to like them back. This is sick, I know.

Recently, I am trying to think twice, before I act so I would not find myself in a love where I don't like the guy and force myself to like him.

In this case, I am feeling so confused. I don't know maybe I like him, because he's like no other guy I met before, or maybe I really found the one that I really like. They say, only time will tell. I hope the time tells it real fast this time.

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