October 29, 2010

Did we meet?

Today, I can't even think about him. My mind is so busy and so empty at the same time that I don't have any place for him. At the back of my mind I'm thinking about my family; my broken relationship with my father, and his illness. I try to figure out who is telling me the truth and who is lying me not to make me sad, or who is lying to make me sad!

Trying to think about him right now is like thinking someone you haven't met, yet. This is the exact feeling I have. It's such a surprise for my brain. It almost surprises my brain and asks me, who is CJ? My brain is so messed up right now. I can't concentrate, I cannot think about anything. I feel like I am lost in the black hole in the space. I never felt like this before. Such an annoying feeling! Knowing that something bad might be happening and you are freaking five thousand miles away and you might be losing the last moments that you could spend with him... I don't know what to say, what to feel, how to make things better between us. My mind keeps telling me "what if.."

What if he's really sick and he's dying? I think I can never forgive myself. I don't know if I can recover after such a thing. If I can, I know that I will be stronger and a better version of myself, but I'm afraid that this might not happen. Then, I'll be lost in the black hole after he's gone, but I don't have this luxury. I'll have to be stronger for every one. I'll have to be the "glue". I'll have to take the control and be the father of the family although I'm a girl.

I always used to make jokes about how I want to be a father, because fathers are respected and every member of the family tries to make him happy and comfortable, but I never thought I might have to have this role one day, and never thought this role might actually suck!

Life, you exhaust me!

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