March 20, 2011

Suddenly I See...

I am trying to read a book that my neighbor Marry lend me. I said "trying" because lately my brain is so exhausted, so tired, so sad, so disappointed that even the easiest tasks are difficult to accomplish.

This book talks about visualization. The idea behind it is really simple, but in grown-ups world nothing is easy. Basically, what you are supposed to do is to dream about who you want to be, what you want to do. It's what we used to do all the time when we were little, when things were easier. The sky was really the limit for us. Maybe it is still so for some, but I realized it wasn't like that for me. This visualization is a really difficult homework for me. I was raised with the mentality that your choices reflect who you are and what kind of a family you have. Long story short, my visualization skills are handicapped by my up bringing.

I am torn in between. On one hand, I want to be an important business woman in a corporate firm and have my corner office, and fly overseas all the time for business and not have my own family, simply because I will not have time for that, but I will complete my life in other aspects.

However, my heart is in love with opening a small store (maybe a patisserie)  in Rome (I can't forget about Rome since I went there when I was seventeen) and having a low key life, and living happily ever after. Then I tell myself "this is impossible!". How am I going to leave everything and let everyone down and settle for something really simple? People will tell each other how sorry they feel for me; that after all those years of education and having a bright future ahead of me, leaving everything for NOTHING!

I know I shouldn't care about anything and do what ever makes me happy, but is it possible to be happy when so many people around you trying to make you feel bad, because you didn't choose the path you weree expected to choose?

They will not be happy for me, until my low key, simple life desire accomplishes something important. If I manage to be all over the news (not in a scandalous way) and appreciated by even strangers then those people who try to put me down simply for not following their dreams for me, will be happy and proud for KNOWING ME, and will tell everyone that they know me. Is that the only way for me to be happy? What if I blow everyone and leave everything behind and start a new life? Wait a second! Didn't I already do that? Yes. Yes, I did and it was not enough, my old life was attached me at the hip. Besides, I am coming to an end in this journey, although I am wishing for a last minute miracle. I don't even believe in miracles, but wanting it to come true one time wouldn't hurt anyone I guess.

Is it wrong not wanting to go back to people who only express their love when you accomplish something, but not when you want a peaceful, simple life?

All self-help books would tell you to eliminate negativity. They say drop it like a bad habit. What if they are your closest ones? What do you do then? How do you cut them out of the picture? Are we even allowed to do that? Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love them, but they simply do not get me! I was told that I have a cat personality (I will tell you later who diagnosed me. lol) and my family has definitely a dog personality. They like to suffer, and make the others a priority, because that's what families do or at least they think so. However, remember the announces on planes: Help yourself first, so you can help others. Or it was something like that whatever.

For wanting to be mentally stable and healthy, and drama-free I am accused of being selfish and an ice queen.

Guess what? I accept all accusations and sooner or later, I will find a way to make my dreams, the dreams that you find ridiculous come true!

Of course when you are still torn between expectations and dreams, it is difficult to dream yourself with Mr Right, because I am not sure where he will fit.

Plus, I have witnessed so many bad relations, so many wrong marriages that I am still not sure if I will ever want to carry on a relation let alone a marriage.

I guess only time will tell.

Until then I will keep being a student of visualization.

Sweet dreams everyone. Don't forget to dream about your the future, the way you want it to be.

They say everything is created two times; first in the mind, then in reality.

You need to believe in your dreams, then believe the possibility of it. Eventually it will come true. ;)

Suddenly I see what I wanna be! Lalalalalalalala



P.S Please help out people of Japan....

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