Are You a People Pleaser, CJ?

What are you doing, CJ? I'm glad we talked more than we usually do and we talked about different things, but I don't know what to think. I say something and you say you are interested in learning more about it, then I say something else, you say you want to know more about it, too. Of course it is possible for someone to be interested in more than one subject, but to me it seemed like you are trying to impress me like a person pleaser. Maybe I'm just too suspicious; I am just afraid that this is your game. I don't want to think that you are trying to fool me, but after all you are a man, so it's in your nature!

I must say I was really happy when you said "I'll need to show it next time when you are here" So, it means I will be coming to your place again. God knows how long it will take you to find the courage to invite me but...

I was feeling like we were not making any progress, but maybe we do. We take baby steps. I hope to get to the next step fast (being in a relation), because I might have to go back home soon :(
Then you might think, so maybe we shouldn't start, but I see it from a different perspective. It might be tough, but we should embrace the time we have, we shouldn't waste it thinking there is no future for us, because maybe there is a way who knows...

Idk...

It's like everyday i feel more and more confused. There is one thing I know, you will not let me forget you...

I am so confused inside I don't know what to write, because I don't know what to think nor what I am feeling.

Why CJ Why?

What are you doing? Or more importantly why are you doing this? When I say that's it I'm moving on, you do something unexpected from you.

Let me start from the beginning...

After the fiasco on Thursday, I said that's it! I'm so over him. Then on Friday, last night, right after I made plans with girls to go out I checked my cell to see if girls sent me another text about Girls Night Out, and guess what I saw... a text from him asking how was the show and If I am going out tonight (for last night). I must say I was surprised because I was not waiting him to text me, but I was also guessing that he was going to text me because when we talked he said text me later and I didn't because what the heck was I going to text after his cheapness on Thursday. So, I was feeling confused last night when I got his text.

Why do you do this to me, CJ? Why do you keep reminding yourself when I finally decide to forget you and move on.

I told my plan and said he can come if he wants to. I was just being polite, I don't like talking about my plans and not inviting people and making them wishing to be invited. That's rude and I'm not like that. So, I invited him and he didn't text back. Two hours later, he said he's going to the place I'm going with my friends because his friends are already there. I was like ok, just calm down and be cool, because I was already nervous.

As girls, we were late, because you know low long it takes us to get prepared, or maybe it was just me *lol*. Anyways, then he texted again saying he's next door. I was like whatever, dude. There's no way in hell that I'm going to his feet. You might find it crazy, but that's how I see the situation. If a guy wants to see me and hang out with me he better come to the place I'm in. Not vice versa! So, I said, cool we are at ... Then he said come next door it's better. I didn't even bother to text back. Of course on his way home, he stopped by the place we were in to say hi. Talked for few minutes with me and the girls and he left.

I don't see any future in this thing... All I want is a normal relationship with a guy that is not stupid or jerk. Do I ask for too much?


*********************************************

I do not want you anymore.
What do you want from me?
You're my mistake, 
Unacceptable 
Incontrollable 

No More Chances, CJ!

How come one person can be so dysfunctional in flirting? I mean ok this may not be your cup of tea, you might not be experienced in this field whatever, but when someone comes to you with two options you choose one of them!

After I rejected his movie offer because of my class, I felt bad, so before I go to class I texted him saying, "I'm going to class enjoy your movie night :)" just to keep the conversation going. I'm sure he was happy that I texted him. During the class I saw his text, texted few minutes after my text, saying, "Holla. What you doing after class?" I was like yess! this is it. This time I'll not let him waste this chance. So, I said, "Gina's favorite band here, she wants to go listen them, but idk...Do u wanna come? What's ur plan?" I invited him and gave him his space in case he might want to do something else. His answer was "I have no plan." Ok, man, but does that mean that you are going to join us or what?!? Right? A normal person would answer the first part of the question, but I guess in CJ's case you have to direct him one question at a time. So, I told myself to stay calm and texted him saying "What time your movie ends maybe we can do something after" His answer could not be any shorter, "830ish"

During the break we left the class; I was really tired and the class was really boring that I couldn't focus on, and did not understand one single thing they were saying. So, we went to Gina's dorm room and texted CJ again, "We left the class do u wanna go to that place it's not my style but u might like indie electro or wanna go have coffee this class makes me feel sleepy lol"

So, the options were clear. All he had to do was to choose one or the other or he could come up with something else, which would be something unexpected in CJ's case. Guess what was his answer! "I'm i the movie still" At that moment I really lost my mind! I already know that you are still in the freaking movie CJ! You told me that you are going to be there until freaking 830ish! I said, "I know I'm talking abt after the movie..."

I mean c'mon for God sake! You don't need to be a genius to answer my questions, it's for normal human level!

Around 8:30pm he called me...

I have to accept I got nervous. I was like what am I going to say. Gina and I were looking each other all smiling and she was telling me to talk and I was just waiting phone to ring one or two times, so he wouldn't know that I was sitting my the phone waiting a text from him. I said hello in my coolest tone. After he questioned me about where I was, he asked how much is this live band performance. It was $18. I already knew that he was going to find it expensive, but I was hoping that he would choose the other option, having coffee. He was like oh wow that's really expensive for a band I never heard of. I agreed on him, just not to offend him and let him know that I think he is cheap! So, I said what do you want to do? Have coffee? I don't know why he pretended like he didn't hear me, or he was not listening to me. He kept saying I don't know what I am doing blah blah blah. I don't even remember some of the stuff he said. So, I decided to hang up, because the conversation was not leading to anywhere. He said text me later. Text you later? For what? You don't go to anywhere with me and what the hell am I supposed to text you CJ? Huh? I said bye and I hung up on him and started yelling and cursing.

I don't understand this guy. Ok, maybe you don't have much money, but you work at a restaurant until midnight, so you are making money. Where the hell do you spend it? Let's say you barely break even, but if you like a girl, you show effort to see her, to spend time with her. Especially if she invited you to join her  and her friends for three times you either go there or find something else to see her without breaking the bank. I don't understand why he came the first time I invited him out to a night without knowing that he's interested in me...

I still believe in the one in a million chance that he might be reading these; I never wanted to write anything bad about him here, but I can't help it anymore, CJ you are a moron! You don't even know the letter D in dating! There I said it!

There's no second chances!

I Feel Sunny Inside...

You can't imagine what a good feeling waking up and seeing his text on your phone.

I was really surprised first, and looked at the phone twice and thought about pinching myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Then I rushed to unlock the keypad and read his text. Although it sounded like a 13 year-old to me, nearly for the first time he invited me to somewhere. If I had accepted it we were not going to be alone, but when I invite him I invite him to join me and my friends. So, I guess it was fair.

Why I couldn't accept his invite? Simply, because I have a class today until 8:40 pm. I didn't ask for the time of the movie, but I know that I cannot make it there on time. Although I have a guess about which movie they are going to see. I am sure they are not going to see a drama, it must be the horror movie, and I do not watch horror movies. If I had to go with them probably I would stay in his place whole week without trying to sneak out!

I wonder if he was disappointed when I just said I have class. He didn't even text back which didn't surprise me, because I think he doesn't know what to say. I am definitely not used to this type of guys. I don't know what he was doing for the last fifteen years? He should know these by now, but there is something about him that keeps me from dumping him and moving on. I don't know what it is, but I'll keep going till my limited time ends in this country...

Not that I am keeping scores or anything, after rejecting me three times to join me and my friends, he tasted his own medicine "rejection". Now, we are even >:)

...I don't care if it is raining outside or feeling exhausted, I feel sunny inside :)

I wanna be more than friends...

If you are reading this...

CJ, are you there? Are you reading this? I mean I know the possibility must be less then one in a million, but how come every time after I post a writing here saying you didn't talk to me and you don't care, you suddenly start talking to me? I mean what kind of a weird situation is that?

Thank you for showing some attention this time. It's better than nothing as I always say. However, the patriot guy shows more attention to me than you do. The only problem is not that he's away, I'm not sure he's the one I want.

I don't know who I want. If only I could be sure about what I feel. I don't even if you are sure about what you feel. Leaving in the middle of the conversation to take a shower?!?! You make me feel like I'm a friend you talk to, but you don't really like. Maybe that's how you feel about me...

What a Disappointment You are...

I think I expected too much from him. I thought he was someone that he isn't. He's just like any other insensitive guy who doesn't care.

You know what is funny. These guys say they are different. They claim to be in the 1%; they are supposed to be the last good guy on earth but they fall in 99%! They are just delusional.

Why I am so hard on CJ tonight? I am going through a tough time and while all friends are asking me if there's anything they can do to help, he doesn't even say hello. I told him that someone hit my car on Sunday night. He didn't ask if I was ok. His reaction was "oh god. that sucks. i hate that when it happens." Who doesn't CJ, huh, who doesn't?

He talked to me fifteen minutes and said he has to go back to studies and he'll sleep. This is not how a caring, affectionate person behaves!

Then on Monday, he texted me asking if I would like to attend a school meeting. I said yes, just because I wanted to see him, but at the back of my mind I was think did he ask it, because as a person in charge he needs to gather more people?

After today, after not even asking me how I am while he was online for six hours there's no way in hell that I'm going that meeting on Saturday!

He better does something to prove me wrong, or he's finito for me! Even the patriot guy was more caring then him although he's not talking to me right now, either.

I don't get it. What is wrong with these guys. I understand that they don't want any drama, but if the person you like/love has some drama in their lives you stick by them. You help them through these tough times. You don't run away as if you had seen a ghoul.

I serious do not understand how our mothers found someone to get married and went and still going through good and bad times together. Now, it seems like a fairy tale to me; a guy who is there for you for the good and for the bad!

Confused...

I'm happy that we are still talking, but on the other hand, I still think what if he thinks I'm easy and he keeps talking to me, because he wants to keep me as a Plan B? Or he just keeps talking to me, because he knows that he's not going out with me, but he doesn't mind talking to me as a friend. I tell myself that he's not that kind of a guy, but all I have good sixth senses about him that's all. He's still a stranger to me. There are still lots of things that I don't know about him, but at the same time I feel like I know him really well, but what do I really know about him? I saw pictures of him with his twin brother, grandfather, his roommate and his girlfriend whom I met when I stayed in his place, and also pictures of him with a girl whom I want to think she's just a friend that he is close with. Maybe she's an ex and they are on good terms. I don't know...

I just texted back a friend who wanted to set me up with his friend B. I felt so guilty when I told my friend that he can give my number to this guy that he wants to set me up with. All I could think was how can I do this to CJ! This is weird! I never felt this way before. Maybe, I just don't want to hurt CJ, because he looks so fragile, emotionally. It looks like you can hurt him and make him sad easily, but this is not a turn off. I just remembered how he looked while sleeping...He was looking so innocent. There is no any other way to describe him. He was sleeping like a little innocent cute boy that makes you want to stroke his face and hair.

I wish there was a way to be sure about my feeling. Why am I so broken? Maybe it's called being young. Maybe I need long years to get to know myself better, but I'm impatient.

I always liked a guy, because he liked me. My understanding of love is pity, I guess. When someone is in love with me I feel bad and feel like I need to like them back. This is sick, I know.

Recently, I am trying to think twice, before I act so I would not find myself in a love where I don't like the guy and force myself to like him.

In this case, I am feeling so confused. I don't know maybe I like him, because he's like no other guy I met before, or maybe I really found the one that I really like. They say, only time will tell. I hope the time tells it real fast this time.

There might be another chance in the store for us

Ok. So, he contacted me! However, I don't know what to think about his IMs. It was as if he didn't care, but then why did he talk to me? Maybe, because he thinks I was an easy prey and he didn't take advantage of me first time to gain my trust. Now, he thinks he would not let his prey slide between his claws. If we think about any men this case would be true, but when I think about CJ...No, he is not that type of a person. I know it! You might think that I'm naive, but I know it, because I feel it. He's different. He's a rare kind that I'd never met maybe. He doesn't know how to flirt, or he doesn't have fancy pick up lines, but he's different. He's good. He's nice. He's kind. He cares.

I don't know why he talked to me after being online for several hours. Maybe, because he was studying like he said and didn't want to distract himself, and talked to me when he gave a break, like a woman who gives herself a piece of chocolate as the prize of dieting for one full week. *haha* I would be one sweet prize.

I asked if his roommate's girlfriend thinks I'm crazy. Actually, what I wanted to know what he was thinking. He said, no I don't think so. However, I know that he will keep bringing up that night every time he gets a chance to tease me, and he will hurt me every time without realizing how much he's hurting me...

Queen of messing things up...

I don't know where to start...

Have you ever had a day/night where you want to forget it because you just can't believe what you did, but at the same time you don't want to forget it, because it was kind of beautiful. Well, i had that night and day.

First, I was upset that for the second time CJ didn't want to go out with me and my friends. Then, I broke my own rule and texted him while intoxicated. I'm glad he came, but I don't why he came. Was it because he wanted to have drinks, or to see me, or because I said I was drunk and he felt responsible?

Long story short, I slept in his bed and he slept on the sofa in the living room. I knew that he was not going to take advantage of me, because he's not that kind of a guy, but you can never know someone really, right?

It was so sweet of him that he gave me a spare toothbrush and the look on his face when I saw him in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth was to die for. It was the CJ that I liked. It was "the look".

The next morning after a sleep of 5 hours I woke up at 8 and tried to leave while he was sleeping. There was no point of staying there and I was going to text him saying thank you for everything, but of course the door was locked and he woke up when I tried to unlock it. His reaction was hilarious! He said, "what are you doing? Where are you going? Why? I can't believe you tried to sneak out on me!" I was surprised that he reacted that way and it was nice to see him not wanting me to leave. He said sleep for another hour and I'll drive you to your car. I didn't feel like sleeping, because I felt uncomfortable, it's so not like me. I never crashed in a friend's house, let alone a guy's place. So, I sat there watched him sleeping. He was so cute. When he finally woke up two hours later he almost refused to let me go. When I decided to walk where ever I parked he got changed and walked me to my car, or to where I thought my car was.

We stopped by the farmers market and looked around then walked to where I thought my car was. Another long story short I figured out my car was some place else so we went back to his street and he drove me where my car was really parked. He looked kind of sad when I said goodbye. I don't know maybe I'm exaggerating. We said I see you later to each other, I gave him a half hug and I left.

Although I'm afraid that I gave him the wrong impression of me. I think, he thinks I'm a party fly. Lately, I go out with friends and I like to drink, but I'm not like this all the time. I'm just acting out because of all the drama, pressure in my life. This was a wake up call for me. Like Rose says, I learn it in the first time, and never do the same mistake again!